Open Letter To Those Who Signed Petition To Secede From U.S.

Texas-Secede

Dear Crybabies, Recently, your guy lost a presidential election. I know, I know— total bummer. So, being the American patriot that you are, you have signed a petition compelling your state to secede from the United States. So let me understand, your boyfriend wasn’t picked to be captain of the high school football team so now you’re going to [...]

MSNBC’s Chris Hayes Heroically Apologizes, Head Rhetorically Proximate to up His Ass

MSNBC's Chris Hayes Heroically Apologizes, Head Rhetorically Proximate to up His Ass

In potentially the most disgusting roundtable of pretentious a**holes ever convened on cable TV, the Hero Selection Committee met for the first time and broadcast their air-headed, incompetent understanding of our military and in particular our fallen soldiers on Chris Hayes’ UP with Chris Hayes. It all started with MSNBC’s Chris Hayes who has developed [...]

Spin Doctor Pat Robertson Explains Tornadoes

Spin Doctor Pat Robertson Explains Tornados

Tornadoes are serious business. And with the recent deadly outbreaks of tornadoes it’s no wonder that people are searching for answers as to why this has happened. In a new segment for the 700 Club “Pat Robertson Explains Tornadoes,” Don from Illinois asked Robertson, “Why did God send the tornadoes?” Robertson had this to say: God [...]

Ron Paul’s 55th Wedding Anniversary: Yes, Virginia, There Really is a Politician with Family Values!

Ron Paul's 55th Wedding Anniversary - Yes, Virginia, There Really is a Politician with Family Values

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul yesterday celebrated his 55th wedding anniversary with his FIRST, and only wife, Carolyn Paul. As a special reward for his loyal wife of five and a half decades, Congressman Paul surprised her with a little early morning sausage. “I said that she could sleep in and I provided her breakfast,” [...]

Rick Perry Says He Would Send Troops Back Into Iraq…and Mordor

Rick Perry

During the New Hampshire primary debate Saturday night, presidential hopeful Rick Perry said that if elected president, he would send troops back into Iraq. As soon as he says the words, the voice of moderator Diane Sawyer can be heard saying, “Now?” Yes, Diane. Now. And that’s not all. During the commercial break, Rick Perry [...]

Rick Perry’s New Motto: Open Mouth, Insert Wild Turkey

Rick Perry's new motto - Open Mouth, Insert Wild Turkey

Rick Perry’s new motto: Open Mouth, Insert Wild Turkey. Evidently, Rick Perry had a bit too much fun at a conservative hoot’n’annie on Friday where he let down his guard quite a bit leaving many on the left to suspect that the presidential candidate was loaded with something more than chootspah. Like, oh, I don’t [...]

Job Opening for Job Act Title Writer with Rep. Louie Gohmert

Job Opening for Job Act Title Writer with Rep Louie Gohmert

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) hasn’t officially opened any new positions within his offices in regards to writing titles for job acts, but if the name of his recent job act is any indication he might need some help. Gohmert introduced today his “American Jobs Act” — not to be confused with President Obama’s “American Jobs [...]

Rick Perry’s Budget Can’t Afford Texas Volunteers

Rick Perry’s Budget Can’t Afford Texas Volunteers

You know you have problems with budget planning when you can even find a way pay for volunteers. And these particular volunteers are kinda important. You see, Texas is experiencing what some on the 700 Club might call Hell Fire and Damnation and it’s these volunteer heroes (and I do mean HEROES) that are desperately [...]

Wonkette’s Review of Horror Movie Sequel “Texas Governor For President Part 2”

Wonkette’s Review of Horror Movie Sequel “Texas Governor For President Part 2”

It’s official. Wonkette is now getting into the preemptive movie review business. And their first review stars Texas governor Rick Perry who led a religious revival this weekend called “The Response.” The movie , however, is simply title “Texas Governor For President Part 2.” But don’t be fooled by the downplayed title as Wonkette explains: [...]