Romney vs. Gingrich / Cashinator vs. Smarface

Mitt Romney never sleeps; he only stands-by. Every morning, 5 a.m., his brain downloads and installs updates. Then Romney goes for a 10-mile run, stopping only to let his personal fitness trainer catch his breath. Before breakfast, Mitt shortly goes online for some quick stock trading, makes himself a couple million, just to keep in […]

Santorum, Ahmadinejad Release Joint Statement on Homosexuals

  Titled President Ahmadinejad and Senator Santorum Joint Statement on the Protection of Monotheism and Prevention of Sodomy, the document was published on Monday by the Tehran-based Faith and Family Institute. The 247-page paper extensively quotes from the Old Testament, as well as Wikipedia’s articles on sexual reproduction and the gastrointestinal tract. Authors acknowledge “considerable […]

Hulk Hogan Dive-Stomped in Divorce; Wife Gets Wall Street Job Offer

He spent half of his life under a 300-pound barbell, farting his guts out, first dreaming to break into a new life, then despairing to keep his old self. He was lifted by 6’7-tall men and slammed against the floor. He was kicked, punched, choked, and laughed at. Head-whacked against a chair (you always need […]

The Texas Chainsaw Self-Massacre: the Conclusions

In November 2011, Rick Perry’s presidential candidacy was admitted to the hospital in a critical condition, and diagnosed with an acute deficiency of reasons to exist. On January 19, 2012, the Texas governor euthanized his dream, disconnecting it from the artificial hype support. Perry’s insider sources indicate he will run again, using entirely new tactics: […]

Jon Huntsman to Join the Jackass TV Series

“Excitement” is the buzzword as the weary, downbeat campaign staff finish off the office coffee supplies at the farewell meeting of the now defunct Jon Huntsman presidential effort. Everyone is convinced they had the most competent, experienced, accomplished, erudite, savvy, attack-proof, stylish, handsome candidate in decades of GOP history; but this candidate totally failed to […]

Gingrich Mistaken for Michael Moore, Booed, Escorted out of his Supporters’ Meeting

Newt Gingrich whining about the excessive role of money in election? Reminds me how Taliban complained about the excessive role of religion in politics, or Jack the Ripper’s 1889 interview to The Daily Telegraph complaining about the excessive role of knives in gender relations. Gingrich and $ have been a loving, harmonious couple for decades. […]