Getting To Know Newt Gingrich

English: Former U.S. Representative and Speake...

Newt Gringich Image via Wikipedia

The all-important Iowa caucuses are now less than two weeks away, so let’s take a deeper look at the man a drunk Ronald Reagan once called “the Republican most likely to make women scream.”  With movie star good looks and an all you can eat physique, former Speaker of the House Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich is more than a man.  He is a tidal wave.  And like a tidal wave, he’s about to crash onto the shores of the GOP primary and spray all Republicans with his message, which is chiefly “I am not a Mormon.”


Newt, a Gemini, has worn many hats: Professor, author, politician, father, husband, husband, and husband.   As Speaker of the House, he was a lightning rod for controversy.   And as a husband, he was a lightning rod for controversy.  Infidelity is a word that doesn’t go down easy.  Fortunately, that can’t be said for all of his wives — past, present and future.  His marital woes are well known.  But it does raise the difficult question, if he cheated on his wife, will he cheat on America, too?  And if he does, will he and America seek counseling or have an open relationship?  One thing is certain: If he’s elected he’s going to need a much larger credit line at Tiffany’s.


While it is true that as a lobbyist for Freddie Mac, Newt took a very large salary for advising the government-run mortgage giant.  But even though he owns homes in Washington, Virginia and Miami, the housing bubble was not his fault.  Newt, who was paid $30,000 a month, claims, “I was a historian for Freddie Mac, I warned them that they were wasting taxpayer money over-paying people like me.”  So finally, after a brief 53 months, he simply couldn’t take anymore.  He quit, boarded a luxury cruise through the Greek Isles, and started his campaign for President.
Newt is a man with many positions.  Surprisingly some of them are outside the bedroom.  He is against abortion.  In fact he believes all children should be born and immediately put to work.  He doesn’t believe in global warming.  And to prove it, he just bought his wife over two-dozen fur coats.   He is against drugs, unless prescribed by a doctor or some other reliable source — like his DC housekeeper’s boyfriend, Darius.


For obvious reasons, he is against the Department of Education.  He is also against the environment, healthcare and is the only candidate from either party who actually hates Planet Earth.  But ironically, he loves outer space.  Gingrich AKA Newt Skywalker, famously once said, “I believe Earth is a gift from the Almighty to the people of America.  And as Americans, it’s our duty to leave Earth and colonize Mars to restart the housing bubble ASAP.”


A former Southern Baptist, Newt will be Catholic at least as long as this current marriage lasts.  And what could be more Christian than supporting the individual mandate for health insurance?  “I’ve said consistently we ought to have some requirement that you should either live healthier or be wealthier,” said Gingrich, who then added, “How else can you enjoy all the great things this great country offers the wealthy — like tax benefits, low interest rates, or food?”


Voting begins in Iowa January 3.