“Bad Economy Is Helping Fat Kids Lose Weight” Says NY Mayor Bloomberg

Mayor Bloomberg: "Bad Economy Is Helping Fat Kids Lose Weight"Wikipedia

Finally some good news to come out of New York City Schools. According to New York City mayor, Michael Bloomberg, childhood obesity rates have declined over the past five years. The Center for Disease Control reports that obesity rates of school-aged children has dropped from 21.9 to 20.7 percent.

We asked a CDC spokesperson to explain what a 1.2 percent drop means to school children.

“To put it in layman’s terms, a 1.2 percent drop brings New York City kids from Fattyboombalaty status all the way down to Big-Boned. What we would like to see is for the rates to fall all the way down to Husky, but we believe the trend is moving in the right direction.”

At a press conference at City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg was asked what he believed caused the drop in obesity rates, and he pointed to a number of factors.

“Well, we’ve increased the amount of physical education in the schools and we’ve removed vending machines while providing healthier choices in the cafeterias. However, I think the biggest contributor to the drop in weight is that parents are so poor they can’t feed their children as much. Finally we’re seeing a bright side to our faltering economy.”

At Brooklyn Academy for the Arts and Sciences, we interviewed Aleisha Morales, a fifteen year old from Bedford Stuyvesant who said, “I lost about 20 pounds last year. My mom used to cook us a lot of heavy meals with meat, rice and vegetables, but now she can only make meals every other day.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Great! I fit into skinny jeans now and no one makes fun of my weight anymore. I’m even going to try out for the lead in the school musical.”

“But don’t you feel hungry?”

“All the time. I’m like starving right now. Like, literally.”

We asked the CDC if forced starvation was the best way to approach obesity rates.

“At the CDC we do not condone starving children as a method of weight loss. However, numbers like this are hard to ignore. I say we give it some time and do some more studies. If obesity rates keep dropping I don’t see any problem.”

We asked the mayor if he plans to tackle any other health initiatives with the same enthusiasm with which he approached childhood obesity.

“Yes. My next plan is to try and make smokers too poor to afford cigarettes. Since nothing else has seemed to work, poverty might finally get them to quit that disgusting habit. I don’t understand. I mean, how poor do people have to become in this city before they realize that I’m just looking out for their best interests?”