American Drones Need New Alibis

Sentinel drone - photo released by the Iranian Revolutionary GuardsPhoto Released by Iranian Revolutionary Guards

So, Iran has captured an American spy drone.  The unmanned vehicle was either brought down (says Iran) or malfunctioned (says the U.S.).  Either way, the Iranian government is now parading the thing across its news outlets as if it were the winner of Iran’s “X Factor”.

American officials have said, “Yep, we lost the thing and no we can’t get it back.”  I’m paraphrasing.  (For the full report, see below.)  Then we copped to.  We told the Iranians what it was really for – from the New York Times – it was a “stealth” drone used as part of a U.S. program attempting to map Iran nuclear sites.

Stupid.

Why don’t we say it was for something else?  Why not tell Iran that the drone was part of a strategic mission to find and then log the exact locations of Iranian homosexuals?  Then Iran would simply say, “There are no homosexuals in Iran” and they would, naturally, send us back our drone.

Or

We could tell them that the drone was part of our “Men in Black” campaign and that General William Smith believes that alien creatures are about to descend upon Iran.  If they don’t want our help, fine.  But, at least they were warned and now can we have our drone back?

But, instead we announced what it was really for and now we’ll never get it back.  Iran gets our highly sophisticated, unbelieveably technical drone and the rest of us are stuck here with Kim Kardashian.  Hey, wait, how about a trade?

And the trade better happen quick because if it doesn’t I worry that Obama will release some kind of “No Drone Left Behind” program and we’ll have to go in and get the damn thing.

More about the author: Rebecca Donohue is a comedian and a writer. You can purchase her comedy album here & you can stay in touch with her here.