Herman Cain: A Dick That Can Get Things Done

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness
On Monday, a Georgia woman, Ginger White, told a Fox affiliate that she had engaged in a 13-year long affair with presidential hopeful Herman Cain. White, 46, claims that Herman Cain flew her around the country on several occasions and has proof of the alleged affair. Mr. Cain’s immediate response was, “Here we go again. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

My initial response to this is not shock or abhorrence but rather a sort of disgustful adoration. Because let’s be clear about something, a 13-year affair is not a careless fling – it’s a second marriage.

So between pulling a company out of the gutter, maintaining marriage #1, maintaining marriage #2, and trying to finger blast prospective employees in rental cars, he still finds the time to run for president of the United States.

This leads me to a daring proposal for Herman Cain’s campaign. Mr. Cain should hold a press conference and announce he will no longer be running for president of the United States and instead, his penis will.

I haven’t seen a penis this ambitious since the Clinton administration. Herman Cain’s penis is proactive and is a proven multitasker, keeping multiple balls in the air at once. (Pun jubilantly intended).

Mr. Cain’s penis is color blind as well, unconcerned with race or creed. It’s also worth noting that his alleged mistress, Ms. White, is a working class single mother. This shows the charitable side of Herman Cain’s penis: It gives to the poor.

There will be naysayers who claim that this bold strategy is foolish and impossible. They will say that there’s no possible way a brainless, heartless dick can run for president and I would say to you, “Boy, that is a set up for the easiest George W. Bush joke of all time.”

About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.