Michele Bachmann’s Bitchgate: If It Quacks Like A Duck…

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness

Jimmy Fallon’s house band The Roots called Michele Bachmann a bitch in a roundabout sort of way when they played Lyin’ Ass Bitch as she was introduced on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon this week. After an apology from Jimmy Fallon himself, Michelle Bachmann is still fuming and demands an apology from NBC.

That being said, I think we are going to have to draw straws.

Because one of us is going to need to sit Michele Bachmann down, put our hand on her shoulder, look her in the eyes and whisper, “I know you’re mad at those strangers who alluded to your being a bitch, but there is something you should know. Michele…life…life is going to get a lot harder than this.”

Imagine someone, we’ll call her – I don’t know – let’s say Michelle. Imagine Michelle going to work on Monday at Quizno’s. Imagine Michelle has terrible ideas about making sandwiches and tells everyone that she can make the sandwiches infinitely better than everyone because God guides her tiny hands in crafting the perfect turkey club. Now imagine someone was tired of Michelle’s crazy shit and called her a bitch behind her back. Michelle finds out and is crest fallen even though she didn’t really know the person who made the fairly benign accusation (one might even call it an astute observation.) Then, imagine not only the offender apologizing but the manager of the Quizno’s, Jimmy, apologizing as well.

Michelle stamps her feet on the ground and says, “No! I want Mr. Quizno to call me at my house and apologize!” What kind of person needs to that sort of validation from total strangers? What kind of ego must someone have that empowers them to feel entitled to such head bowing for something every other American deals with on a daily basis?

If you drive an automobile in high traffic areas, you are probably called a bitch or an asshole a half-dozen times before you even get to work in the morning, but you don’t see people getting out of their cars on the highway, knocking on the window of the guy who cut them off and screaming “I saw you mouth the word bitch! I deserve an apology! Also, I want to talk to the manufacturer of your car because I think they owe me an apology as well!”

There are people who do those types of things. They are called lunatics.

I’m sure it would be a thrilling adventure to be president of the United States of Tea Party but If Michele Bachmann wants to show us how presidential she is, she can start by acting like an adult and accepting that part of governing a nation is governing people who don’t like you.

Sticks and stones, Michele.

Here’s the absolutely delightful, not at all bitchlike, Michele Bachmann calling homosexuality a satanic and sad life. Such a charmer:


About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.