Romney: Just Accept It

Attack of the Bland Clones

Mitt Romney, a name you undoubtedly know by now if you’ve bothered to turn on the TV. A name that pretty much says exactly what it means for America: a bland white guy. But given the race so far, that’s exactly what America didn’t know it wanted.

“We figured America was ready for another white guy,” Romney’s staff has been quoted as saying. “There was once a proud tradition of bland, pale men running for office, and we’d like to return to that golden age.”

To that end, they’ve been pushing his blandness rather well. He hasn’t had any memory loss, any rambling, or a staff blow up so far. He’s kept it vanilla and unflavored. Romney says stuff from time to time, but nobody really pays attention to it. They’ve done exactly what he’s counting on; simply settling.

“We’re like the Democrats in 2004,” Romney said about his various rival candidates. “There’s one bland guy, a woman, a guy with looks but no brains, and a black guy who hasn’t really been in politics before with several controversies.” He lifted up the corners of his mouth to form a smile as if an invisible puppeteer was tugging ever-so jerkishly on the strings holding up his marionette’s mug. “America loves non-scented.” A smile which said “I have the power to bore you to death if I desired, which I don’t because I lack human emotion.”

It struck me then that I realized where I had seen that botoxed lizard-like attempt at a smile before; John Kerry. It then struck me that they’re pretty much the same person. Both have flip-flopped on so many issues on such a regular basis that I’m suspecting there’s some substance both came in contact with that made them that way. A kegger gone bad maybe.

They even debate the same way. They both kind of stare, glazed over, into the camera. When their opponents speak, they maintain eye contact with them, trying to suck the personality out of their target in hopes it’ll fill their long empty emotion emitters. And they’ve even got the same deflection of criticism; the furrowing of the eyebrows, the semi-thoughtful turn of the mouth, and then the eventually response which basically amounts to nothing.

Like a rapper listing cowriters on a track, Romney needs to just unleash onslaughts of names belonging to obscure people too vague and numerous to question. It’s an area Romney must work on if he hopes to pass off a personality. But then again, he’s shooting for bland, and not bran.