Martha Stewart Rages Over Congress’ Insider Trading

Martha Stewart Rages Over Congress’ Insider Tradingnrkbeta
Martha Stewart’s staff was on high alert on Monday after news spread faster than avocado hollandaise on Sous Vide Alaskan halibut, that Ms. Stewart had caught the latest 60 Minutes episode. The business magnate, best-selling author, magazine publisher, television superstar and international representation of what our miserable lives will never become spent five months in federal prison for insider trading. And just this past Sunday she found out that if only she was a member of Congress, she would have been exempt from insider trading laws!

“Grab the crystal! And the Royal Daulton! Get the coffee, cream and two sugars, 162 degrees, non-fat whipped cream! Now! DAMN IT! NOW!” The staffers scrambled as thoughts of their immolation resonated in their soon-to-be fabulously statuesque and whimsical skulls.

M. Diddy, as her former prison mates called her (seriously), was not only in shock; she was on the war path ready to claw the eyes out of a few Congress members. And with Peter Schweizer’s new book, Throw Them All Out: How Politicians and Their Friends Get Rich Off Insider Stock Tips, Land Deals, and Cronyism That Would Send the Rest of Us to Prison, M. Diddy has her inside scoop.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D), Sen. Max Baucus (D), Sen. John Kerry (D), Rep. Jared Polis (D), Rep. Spencer Bachus (R), Rep. John Boehner (R), Rep. Shelley Capito (R), and Rep. Dennis Hastert (R), the eight major offenders listed in Schweizer’s new book would make great sources for insider information.

Here’s just a few of the stock deals that made M. Diddy’s ears perk up. According to The Daily Beast:

  • When Visa went public in March 2008, then-Speaker of the House Pelosi and her husband bought some of their shares at the opening IPO price—access that would be virtually impossible for the average individual investor.
  • John and Teresa Heinz Kerry made numerous trades in health-care stocks, buying almost $750,000 in Teva Pharmaceuticals in November 2009 alone, while Kerry actively pushed Obama-care as a member of the health-care subcommittee.
  • After learning in a September 2008 briefing with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke that the financial markets were in deep trouble, Bachus began aggressively buying and selling stock options.
  • On Dec. 10, 2009, then-House Minority Leader Boehner bought tens of thousands of dollars of health-care stocks, including in health-insurance companies. On Dec. 15, The Washington Post declared that the “public option” for health insurance was dead.

Why then is M. Diddy so furious? Whose eyeballs does M. Diddy want to convert into napkin holders? It’s these crazy congress members like Rep. Louise Slaughter, D-N.Y., and Tim Walz (D-Minn.), who introduced a bill called the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Act, or STOCK, in 2006 that would ban congressional insider trading. Until Monday, it had only nine sponsors, since then nine more joined.

Just when she could finally get back in the game, some members of Congress decided to fertilize their conscience trees with bullsh!t, she thought. Whatever, nine more added to M. Diddy’s sh!t list.