Presidential Hopefuls, Contenders, and Wannabes. Not Currently Under Indictment.

Presidential Hopefuls Contenders and Wannabes Not Currently Under IndictmentGage Skidmore and Jessica Rinaldi (Mitt Romney)
As most of you know, there’s a presidential election next November. The rest of you are at home and you thought this was a porn site. Or you’re a government employee, in which case you’re at work and you thought this was a porn site.

There will be many topics of debate- we’re in a recession, unemployment’s still up, the dollar is falling, Israel might attack Iran, and the EU is ready to fall apart. You may be thinking to yourself ‘It’s like Bush never left’, and you’d be right, it’s just more so.

So lots of important stuff, but we’re not going to talk about any of those. We’re going to focus on the superficial aspects of the players and evaluate them on their looks, just like the rest of America. While it would seem ‘the look’ would be PILF, actually it’s more ‘the weird relative nobody wants to sit next to at Thanksgiving.’

Romney is a handsome man, but he has the same hair style as John Gotti, the infamous mob boss, and does look somewhat like a avvocato di famiglia, but one of the classy ones for estates and trusts and stuff. If he’s elected, maybe the press can call him ‘Johnny Apollo.’

Gerald R. Ford Museum Presidential Seal

Image by saccodent via Flickr

Rick Perry looks like a movie president, unfortunately he has an insurmountable facial defect; his mouth. The best chance Perry has of becoming president is to develop laryngitis until next November. You know what’s weird? Perry looks like a movie president and Romney looks like a guy who plays presidents in the movies. Britney Spears has denied reports that she sold the rights to ‘Opps! I did it again’ to the Perry campaign, saying she wasn’t that broke or crazy. Time will tell. Until a MAJOR change in the game, Perry’s going to be what the GOP call ‘our Joe Biden.’

Which brings us to Joe Biden. And takes us right on past him.

Pelosi has had some work done. Either that, OR, she’s had some work done. She can only manage to look startled, but I guess she has to draw her eyebrows in like they were the Golden Arches because if she didn’t they’d go flatline. Or worse, slope down one way or the other so she’d either look like a Peanuts character or an Angry Bird.

Cain is leading republicans, but his camp needs to ask itself if America is ready for another black president or if it’s reached its quota.

Hillary’s still being trotted from one previously unknown country to another, but now that polls show she’s able to beat any republican at least she’s started to comb her hair. Hillary. You’ve been looking like something from ‘Hoarders’ lately.

And last but not least, there’s Newt Gingrich. Newty-Newt, eye of Newt, any way you look at it, there’s nothing Newt under the sun. If American men are going to skip Hillary because they aren’t going to vote for their wife, they’re also not going to vote for the guy who looks like he flunked them in freshman algebra.

I hope this helps. Be sure to print it out and take it with you to the polls.