Crazed Apes Escape Penn State Zoo After Hearing of Firing of Joe Paterno, Head Lion Trainer

Crazed Penn State Student Apes Escape Penn State Zoo and Tip CBS News Van

Thousands of screaming chimpanzees with smart phones in hand escaped the local zoo in Centre County, Pennsylvania today after apparently being startled by loud noises coming from a multitude of electronic devices surrounding them saying that a head lion trainer, Joe Paterno, had been fired.

The situation was truly bizarre as nearly 2,000 chimpanzees escaped their Penns and began by gathering in an area called Beaver Canyon (seriously). As their numbers grew so did their rage until they eventually went completely ape-sh!t, even tipping over a CBS news van in their feverish frenzy.

According to the New York Times, the chimps “tore down two lamp posts, one falling into a crowd. They also threw rocks and fireworks at the police, who responded with pepper spray. The crowd undulated like an accordion, with the students crowding the police and the officers pushing them back.”

But the New York Times also pointed out that these chimps had really put some thought into this:

[The tipping of the news van was really] a symbolic gesture that expressed a view held by many that the news media exaggerated Mr. Paterno’s role in the scandal surrounding accusations that a former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, sexually assaulted young boys.

Pennsylvania police who had nothing to do with the frightening electronic dispatches got the brunt of the apes anger as the chimps threw rocks and fireworks at the police. The New York Times notes:

One [ape] in gas mask rushed a half dozen police officers in protective gear, blasted one officer with pepper spray underneath his safety mask and then sprinted away. The officer lay on the ground, rubbing his eyes.

Who says chimps don’t have opposable thumbs?

By 1:30, the police finally managed to scare off all the chimps away by marching at them down College Avenue and pepper spraying any stragglers. The riot was over. But these apes still live in our midst.

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