Herman Cain Claims Koch Brothers’ Father Knocked Up His Mamma

Herman Cain Accuses Koch Bros Father of Knocking Up His Mamma

“I am the Koch Bros. brother from another mother!” professed Cain to a cheering crowd of ultraviolet-skinned brothers and sisters at the Americans for Prosperity Foundation gathering on Friday.

The admission must have been liberating for Cain. All those interviews denying any real relationship with the Koch Bros. All those years of not being able to admit who his true father was. Not being able to admit that he were actually half black and half black gold. Now he’s free.

Of course, he’s also admitting that his “bio-pop” is a douchebag since Mr. Koch left Cain and his mother “po’ before they were poor.” Maybe Mr. Koch was just trying to teach Cain how to be a good entrepreneur. Sort of a Man-vs-Wild/Bear Grylls-type education for the economic jungle.

And now two of his sons, David and Charles Koch, who don’t even take Cain out for “fishing, hunting, skiing, or golfing”, only show up now when he’s ripe for the picking.

Oh well. If this is the kind of relationship he wants to have, who are we to deprive him of it. All of You seem so excited to have found real family.