A New Republican Strategy For 2012: Nominate Nobody

(Photo: David.Monniaux)

Poll after poll reveals that if the general election were to be held today, President Obama would win by a slight margin against the leading Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Moreover, he would beat any other republican candidate if the race were held today. Every candidate except one: the Generic Ballot Republican.

If the election were held today, President Barack Obama would lose to a nameless non-existent Republican, often represented by a black silhouette against a grey matte background. This is what the general electorate is looking for, a faceless entity labeled with a fire engine red “R.” According to Gallup’s latest numbers, Republican Human-ish Enigma John Doe would destroy the incumbent president in a landslide victory, 46% to 38%.

(Image by: http://www.gallup.com/poll/election)

This leads to my ambitious GOP plan for the 2012 presidential election cycle: Run nobody.

I don’t see any of the current Republican candidates capable of beating a Campaign Mode Obama Destroyer Series 2.0. So I think the best course of action for the party, and for America, would be to just run Nobody.

Barack Obama will have debates with an empty podium and be forced to yield to dead air and cameras planted on an empty podium, hearing nothing besides the quiet hum of a microphone straining to hear… nothing. Then, we watch as the light on the podium transitions from green to yellow and finally red. Then, moderator Brian Williams bellows through the silence, “We’re sorry Nobody, but your time has expired. Mr. President, you have 30 seconds for a rebuttal.”

This could be a pivotal event for our democracy. Maybe this is just what we need. It seems that over the course of the past few decades we have drifted from our core principles. We have abandoned what made us great. Maybe America needs a time out. Maybe instead of more Senate hearings and more debates and more joint committees and more lobbyists, maybe we need none. Just for awhile.

I feel like our elected officials may have knocked over a red, white and blue paint can onto the nice hardwood floor our founding fathers spent so many years working on and now there are 30,000 people in Washington with paint on their hands trying to clean it up. Sometimes you need to scream, “Listen, just don’t fucking touch anything! Go outside and wash your hands with the hose! Make sure you use a paper towel when you grab the doorknob! Rick Santorum, I’m looking at you…Jesus, don’t touch the fucking wall, Rick. Are you kidding!?! Well you don’t need to cry, just put your hands in your pockets and walk outside, sweetie.”

I dream of quiet corridors of the Senate with only the echoing clip clap of the janitor’s footsteps as he walks from office to office checking for trashcans he can empty, only to find 100 empty offices with 100 empty trashcans.

But if you walk into the empty Senate chambers and listen closely you can actually hear it, the sound of Nobody not fucking anything up.


About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.