Herman Cain: Sexual Allegations Ain’t No Pizza Party

Scrolling down the list of things Herman Cain is unaware of (global warming, check; The Neo-Conservative Movement, check; a realistic assessment of the threat of Sharia Law to Sandy Springs, Georgia, check), we can hastily scribble one more item on the seemingly endless I Donno’ List: Herman Cain is unaware whether anyone was given cash to settle sexual harassment allegations against him.

Accusations have surfaced that Mr. Cain, while heading The National Restaurant Association, may have sexually harassed two women. Moreover, The National Restaurant Association may or may not have given the two women cash settlements…but that, Mr. Cain does not know.

But why would he? He was only the head of The National Restaurant Association and the accusations were aimed directly at him, the head of The National Restaurant Association. Maybe it just didn’t pop up on his radar.

To be fair to Mr. Cain, pizza is a cutthroat business and it’s easy to get swept away in the garlic-dipping-sauce riptide (your instinct will be to panic but hold onto the floating pepperoni. Stay calm and swim parallel to the pizza crust.) Sometimes in the rigmarole of delivery deadlines (30 minutes or less) and sponsoring little league teams, you find yourself asking, “Hey, does anyone remember if I asked that intern if she was interested in a couple friends and I coming to her apartment later for a 9-9-9 plan? If so, do you think the innuendo was pretty unambiguous or should I have been clearer in illustrating the numeric values represented inches, like all three of us are 9 inches long? And by nine inches long, I’m talking about penis size here, Cody. She’s gonna get a taste of The Hermaniac’s Ole’ Flat Tax, am I right? Cody, shit man, that’s supposed to be half sausage and half olives!”

Knowing you didn’t sexually harass a few people is one thing. Not knowing 100% if someone was given cash because of your alleged behavior, that’s a willful act of neglect. Herman Cain is burying his head in the deep-dish and that he is fully aware of it.


About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.