Romney CAN Win! But Google Says “WTF?! Are You Serious?”

Romney Can Win Romney Can't Win

Romney can win! Seriously, people. Mitt Romney can win just about any race he sets his mind to even if Google is a little confused as to why the hell anyone would search for such a phrase as “Romney can win.” So confused in fact that when someone searches for “Romney can win” Google asks, “Did you mean: Romney can’t win?”

He can win. Well, except, of course, the 2012 presidential race. And maybe not even the 2012 Republican Primaries. And so what if he didn’t win the Iowa Straw Poll, losing to the now nearly non-existent, figment-of-our-collective-imaginations-at-least-that-what-I-tell-myself-so-I-can-sleep-at-night Michele Bachmann? And who cares if he continually gets trumped by the fruit-basket-apples-and-oranges-tax-mangling-international-embarrastan-stan-stan Herman Cain?

The truth is Romney is just waiting for his big moment. He’s not interested in winning the White House and neither are any of the other candidates. He’s running to be the next leader of Crazyville, USA. And trust us, Romney can win this one. He’s just playing it on the down low right now waiting for the others to crazy themselves out of the running

Romney Can Win Romney Can't Win - Michele Bachmann NewsweekIt may appear that his opponents are a force to be reckoned with when it comes to crazy. Just look into Michele Bachmann’s eyes and you know she means biznich!

But Romney is smart crazy. Oxymoron? No. See, he’s just getting started. Romney began his campaign as the sane one in a mess of crazy but now he’s coming on strong.

The unemployed, flip-flopping fanatic has doubled down on the crazy this week with two major episodes:

Number 1. The Ohio Union Issue 2 situation in which Romney demonstrated his mad skills at memory loss when he refused to back his “friends in Ohio” who are “fighting to defend crucial reforms that the state has put in place to limit the power of union bosses and keep taxes low.” [Romney’s Facebook page]

Although, as Romney said on his Facebook page back in June, he “stand[s] with John R. Kasich and Ohio’s leaders as they take on this important fight to get control of government spending,” he evidently doesn’t remember who they are, what he’s talking about, or where the f*** he is at times when he opens his pie hole.

On Tuesday, Romney declined to state his position on the issue while visiting a GOP phone bank in Cincinnati saying:

I am not speaking about the particular ballot issues. Those are up to the people of Ohio. But I certainly support the efforts of the governor to reign in the scale of government. I am not terribly familiar with the two ballot initiatives. But I am certainly supportive of the Republican Party’s efforts here.

He later issued this oh-so-sincere apology:

I’m sorry if I created any confusion in that regard. I fully support Gov. Kasich’s – I think it’s called “Question 2” in Ohio. Fully support that. In fact, on my website as far back as April I laid out I supported “Question 2.”

Translation: I am “not terribly familiar with the two ballot initiatives” one of which I fully support (and I totally friended them on Facebook, like, way before you did!) and I can prove it because “on my website as far back as April I laid out I supported ‘Question 2.’”

Question 2, Issue 2, you know, whatever.

Number 2. Romney flashed an audience of potential donors/voters in Pittsburgh with his willy-ingness (TM) to tell them whatever they wanted to hear no matter the cost to his reputation, our country, or the planet for that matter.

In regards to global warming, Romney told the crowd, “My view is that we don’t know what’s causing climate change on this planet. And the idea of spending trillions and trillions of dollars to try to reduce CO2 emissions is not the right course for us.”

Really, Mr. Romney? Is that how you feel? Then who the f*** said this? “I believe based on what I read that the world is getting warmer. And, No. 2, I believe that humans contribute to that. I don’t know how much … And so I think it’s important to us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases.”

Oh, it must have been Twitt Romney, Mitt Romney’s doppelganger. Or is Twitt Romney really Mitt Romney?! Oh, dear god!

Well, whichever is whoever, this man is crazy. And the fact is Romney can win the crazy race.