On Friday, Republicans gathered to discuss the possibility of a large-scale al Qaeda attack in response to the U.S. government’s assassination of an American Muslim cleric, Anwar al-Awlaki, in Yemen. The terrorist organization is viewing al-Awlaki as a martyr, and according to CNN, its members are making promises of retaliation to the United States. Eventually, the Republicans began discussing how payback for the butchered cleric could be avoided; that was when it all started.
To Sarah Palin’s horror, a wisecrack from the Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, turned into a serious discussion about trading Sarah Palin for the sake of national security. Perry took notice of the party’s openness and saw it to full advantage. All the while Palin cowered behind Perry, confused bewilderment on her face and dim terror in her eyes.
Unfortunately for Palin, Perry made a convincing case: “We’re all here in the best interests of the greater good,” he said. “Who knows just how hard al Qaeda might strike? Casualties could be in the thousands. I believe the life of one could save many, and Palin’s the most logical choice. Al Qaeda knows she’s a politician, and she’s on TV a lot, so they’ll probably think she’s important.”
After Perry made his argument, the meeting fell silent for several minutes. Palin could tell that the party was considering the idea and grew noticeably nervous in the silence. After awhile, she stood up to the podium, cleared her throat and did her best to wipe the horror from her expression. “Everybody knows that I would proudly die for our great nation,” Palin said. “I do not, however, believe that negotiation with terrorists is in the United States’ best interests. There must be another way.”
Republicans opted to consider the exchange over the weekend and cast a vote Tuesday, following the Columbus Day weekend. By Saturday night, however, the party had more or less made up their minds: The vote was to be a mere technicality, and Palin would be handed over to ranking al Qaeda members once a deal was struck.
Things didn’t go exactly as they’d planned; Saturday night, someone from inside the party contacted Palin and told her about the party’s decision. Sources have suggested, but cannot confirm, that U.S. Senator John McCain was Palin’s tip-off man.
Upon close reevaluation, Palin reconsidered her fate as an American martyr and boarded her Yacht. She fled for Russia late Saturday night, but was apprehended by Homeland Security only eight miles off the Alaskan border. When asked about her decision to flee, Palin responded, “Well, it looks a lot closer than it is.”