The Unbearable Lightness of Bugging

Juliette Binoche crying

It makes me cry to see Juliet Binoche cry. And all because of Daniel Day-Lewis’ philandering. Oh, she she tried to get even by having her own affair, but her lover turned out to be a Stasi agent, a government spy. And they took pictures so they could blackmail her.  Communism in Bohemia. But enough of this Hollywood artsy-fartsy.  This is America! We defeated Communism!

The very idea that a government would spy on its own people and use compromising photos or letters to blackmail them is thankfully something we will never see in this country.  America does not spy [period] It does, however, collect a lot of data. How much data? Well, pretty much all your phone calls, Facebook posts, tweets, Google searches, emails  — even the moves you make in online games.

So, the NSA is building a $1.2 billion, 100,000 sq. ft. data center in Utah that will hold anywhere from  5 zettabytes to 1 yottabyte. Yes, those are real numbers (slight correction, actual numbers). How big — hella big. OK, OK, something like  the equivalent of 1.25 trillion DVDs. Well, why Utah, you ask, seems out of the way. But think about it, if Uncle Sam is going to peep, doesn’t it make sense that he does so from Small Town USA? Where the honest folk are.  How honest?  Well consider this, Utah has the highest per capita rate of online pornography subscriptions of any state.  None of that “hey bro’ can I just borrow your password, I don’t want to have to pay only to find it’s the same stuff I’ve already seen…” like every other state in the Union. If anyone is going to be sorting through our daughter’s sexting messages for signs of terrorism, I think we agree it should be Mormons.

I get the sense that you’re fed up, ready to pull the plug on this Internet thing.  Well, the NSA thought about that and has already installed tidbits in over 100,000 computers that they are able to activate through radio waves. That’s so cool, it’s Cold War cool. And even after all that bugging, they still have time to play online games, or rather, to watch your son play online games.  That’s right, the NSA captures the traffic of online games, the moves made, the messages sent.  I mean, your kids a nice lad, but you never know — at least now, Uncle Sam will know if he starts to doubt the U.S. of A.

Of course we wouldn’t care much about all this if it wasn’t for that traitor Snowden.  The Truthi is, anyone who has to seek asylum in Russia is either a traitor or that’s the only country in the world that Uncle Sam can’t strong arm to return him. I think we can all take comfort in words of Google CEO which now supersede the 4th amendment:

If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
– Eric Schmidt CEO, Google

 Remember, Uncle Sam is watching you (he still wants you but mostly he’s just watching you).