NSA Makes First Arrest In Cyber War On Terror and It’s One of Their Own

Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Maryland. Español: Instalaciones generales de la NSA en Fort Meade, Maryland. Русский: Штаб-квартира АНБ, Форт-Мид, Мэриленд, США (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

The NSA has been secretly gathering information on people via social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter for the past six years through a top secret program. According to secret documents obtained by RestoringTruthiness, it appears the NSA has made their first arrest in the cyber war on terror and it’s one of their own: NSA agent Grant Holdman.

In 2006, Agent Grant Holdman was assigned to the social media spying program that would later become codename “Prism”. Holdman’s job was to sort through millions of Facebook chat conversations, and in June of 2011, he went rogue and set into motion a plot to destroy Facebook.

“Grant was a great guy,” said former NSA colleague, Agent REDACTED, “He just couldn’t take the mind-numbing infinity of stupid that is teenagers’ Facebook conversations. Of course he snapped and frankly, damn the agency for sending him alone into the jungles of that teenage wasteland. It was a suicide mission and the agency knew it.”

Holdman’s assignment was to read through millions of chat conversations and look for anything suspicious that might be related to national security, and after a few weeks it was clear he was in over his head.

“Those first six months, Grant must have lost 60 pounds,” said his former girlfriend, who has asked us to keep her identity private. “He would come home and just fall asleep. He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing all day but at night he would have nightmares and he would scream out into the darkness, ‘Like my status!’ After awhile, the nightmares stopped– not because things got better, but because he stopped sleeping. He would just stay up all night listening to his Beats by Dre headphones, playing on his iPod Touch. He sort of turned off. I told him I was leaving him – the man I loved for three years – and as I was walking out the door I asked him if this is the way he really wanted it. He lifted his eyes from his iPod Touch and said, ‘YOLO.’ I don’t even know what that means. I don’t think anyone knows what that mean. I mean I understand the acronym, I just don’t understand how it relates to binge drinking. Anyway, I was heartbroken.”

This behavior continued through June of 2011 when he disappeared. In a joint operation between the FBI and NSA, they began their investigation with a sweep of Agent Holdman’s apartment. FBI Agent Lee Martin explains:

We [the FBI] went in first; the NSA guys were too close to it. The shit we found…Jesus. Well first there must have been 500 empty bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Then there were the schematics for the Facebook headquarters at Menlo Park, CA. That’s when we knew this guy was planning something. Then we found the notebooks, boxes and boxes of them. You know those black and white marbled composition books from middle school? There must have been 6,000. Every single one of them, every single page, filled with two letters, repeating..LOLOLOLOLOL. It was a fucking nightmare.”

Three days later, Agent Holdman was arrested at a Holiday Inn in Menlo Park. In the parking lot was a U-Haul van filled with explosives. He was on his way to the Facebook headquarters. The arrest came when his 13-year-old daughter informed the FBI that her dad just posted a shirtless ‘selfie’ on Facebook. Holdman forgot to turn off the location setting. Holdman was arrested without incident and is being held in a maximum security prison in an undisclosed location. Sources tell us Holdman does not have internet access and he’s been sleeping like a baby.

Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @Billdixonish

 

 

About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.