Bugsy ‘effin Malone

Bugsy 'effin Malone

Recognizer her? That’s Jodie Foster.  Jodie Foster covered in cream pie which what the guns shot in the movie Bugsy Malone. I recalled this scene when I heard about a letter a boy wrote to President Obama suggesting that the solution to gun violence was chocolate bullets.  Awe, isn’t that sweet. And whaddya know,  Joe Biden writes back to say it’s a great idea:

If we had guns that shot chocolate, then not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. You are a good boy,
-Joe Biden

Well that’s a kid that’s never felt the kick of a 12 gauge.  These indigo children worry me, but what’s worse is ripping of the plot of a movie — guns shot whipping cream, not chocolate. Go ahead kid, screw up the sequel.

Nothing’s off limits to comics (think Mell Brooks’ Hitler jokes). So a friend of mine the other day says, “you sure talk some trash, I bet you gotta joke about Newtown Mass.” I’m like, “Are you ‘effin kidding me?” Twenty children and six teachers!  A crime so horrendous that the Connecticut legislature voted, in secret, to keep the crime scene a secret. That’s right, they voted to have all evidence withheld from the public. And why not? Do we really want to know what happened there?  Best to just try to forget and move on until the next, well the next tragedy.

One six year old was shot 11 times. We can’t imagine what that’s like for the parents or teachers or the children that lived, so perhaps it is best to just, you know, kind of forget it ever happened and hope it doesn’t happen again. I mean, what’s the alternative?

Not that the Brits or the Aussies give a damn about the Constitution, but all it took them for them to ban guns was one school shooting. In Dunblane Scottland sixteen children died and one year later, cartridge hand guns were banned. In Australia in the same year, the shooting deaths of just twelve was enough for them to limit the size of magazines and the caliber of bullets.

But it’s different here, we have to think long term, our higher purpose — The Constitution. The Supreme Court has only recently said that owing a gun is a personal right.  How else are we supposed to protect ourselves from crazies like the shooter Lanza? In twenty minutes, that sucker got off 154 rounds. And where did Lanza get all that firepower?  Well, his mother armed herself for the coming armed conflict with the government.  Oh, you think that’s strange?  Then you’re not one of the  nearly half of those in the GOP who believe that armed revolt against the government will be necessary to protect liberty. It’s self-explanatory. We need guns for when the government comes to try to take away our guns.

Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA, warned us of this. There have been over a million of deaths in the U.S. from handguns, but when’s the last time you saw some one peeling the “Protected by Smith and Wesson” bumper sticker off their truck?  Never. Why? because it takes more than that for us to give up our rights. I’m sure if it was Mr. LaPierre’s son in that school, if he had to bury his six year with 11 bullet holes, he would look at that kid and say, “You are a hero and a defender of the Constitution.” He would probably say that if his child had only been allowed to carry a gun to class, he could have got one or two off on Lanza.

So that’s where we are at people.  Our children need to protect themselves and there’s only one Constitutional option.  Of course, this will mean that teachers will need to be armed with a bit more heat than the kiddies are packing. I can see those teachers drawing their .357 and telling some misbehaver, “So kid, are you feeling lucky today? Well are ya?”

Now I hate remakes as much as anyone, but but if we’re going to remake Bugsy Malone, let’s not do it with chocolate bullets.  Let’s get Tarantino to direct.  Let’s go dark, not leave anything to the imagination — Bugsy ‘effin Malone (the ck is silent).

— Hank Griffin