I’m Afraid of Naomi Wolf

Scene in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf Well, the election is over and everyone has moved on. The Republicans are evaluating their election strategy while learning to accept they will have to negotiate with the President in order to accomplish the nation’s business.  Feminist writer Naomi Wolf has a new biography … of sorts.  It’s not so much about her as about her (OK look, we’re all grown ups here, I can’t write this article without saying it) vagina. Her Vagina, A New Biography is a tragic story of a loss and ultimate (and I do mean ultimate) redemption of a vagina and the woman who’s brain it is connected to. Naomi was inspired to write this book when she stopped having “technicolor orgasms,” and began a journey into the medical and spiritual reasons for her condition.

Of course, I was amazed to learn this because, based on what I see women reading in the cafes, their orgasms came in fifty shades of gray. I would hold up my copy of Vagina and say with a wink, “You know, that can all happen in technicolor,” usually to the reply, “creep.”

First, an explanation. When Naomi speaks of the vagina, she means the whole shebang (Oh double entendre, how often have you had to throw a drink in my face to remind me of your presence?),  from the labia, clitoris, introitus, and to the mouth of the cervix. I’m just a guy, and I didn’t know what half of these things were.  It’s all a bit simpler for me.  Two thirds of my parts seem to have no use at all, except perhaps as an antidote for a drunken stupor and whatever it was I said that caused such an accurate and swift knee-jerk reaction.

Naomi says that “your brain is connected to your vagina,” in fact, she coined the term “vagina-brain connection” (which makes me wonder what’s on that coin that’s supposed to cure the deficit). I think she means a woman’s brain but I find that mine is similarly connected.  In a man, there is definitely a brain-penis connection, or rather, a penis-brain connection — the nerves run in the other direction.  Naomi has made me hopeful that these connections can lead to a ‘meeting of the minds,’ as it were.

English: Author Naomi Wolf speaking at an even...

Author Naomi Wolf contemplating the mind-vagina connection. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wolf notes that she’s focusing primarily on the “exploration of heterosexual women’s physical and emotional interactions with men,” and suggests that “the physiology of lesbian and bisexual eros” and the “lesbian and bisexual mind-body connection” deserve “books of their own.” I’m wondering if those will also be biography’s or perhaps fantasy or science fiction.

What Naomi discovered from an extensive examination is that a nerve in her pelvis was pinched. Her brain-vagina connection was nearly severed! She elected to have a 14 inch plate inserted in her back. After recuperating, redemption!  She finds “delight” with herself once more, colors are “heightened,” “connections” reverberate, and her postcoital chattiness is back.

Naomi concludes that “a woman is her vagina,” which is what I’ve been saying for years, but often in slang terms. It’s such a beautiful story, but it leaves me with trepidation.  I asked my love recently, … “Honey, was it in “technicolor?”  Did you see “showers of stars?” No?

Well, I pleaded, maybe it’s not me. Perhaps you need a 14 inch steel plate inserted into your back, that’s what one woman did. In her revulsion, she didn’t wait to let me explain –wait, it’s all right here in Vagina! Even so, the book has inspired me to write a biography of my own. I’m working on the title:

  • Penis Wars – If you only knew the power of the force … I must obey
  • The Penis Monologues, Just shut up while I do the talking
  • Moby Penis, Obsessive Search for a Whale