By Bill Dixon
Whenever there is a national tragedy where the culprit deputizes assault weapons in some senseless horrifying killing spree, all of a sudden the nation becomes skittish about M-16s. Some might argue that semi-automatic and automatic weapons have no practical purpose besides killing people and I am here to tell you that this is wildly untrue. There are literally severals of reasons why it is important to have machine guns.
2. Home Invasion - Now most people would argue that in the event of a home invasion, a hand gun would be more than sufficient to defend yourself and I would agree with that. However, have you considered the possibility that a team of trained Navy Seal Ninjas might break into your home to steal your Playstation 3? I bet you didn’t because you have no foresight. You’re like a goddamn goldfish, just swimming from one end of the bowl to the other, totally unaware of your environment. You’re a coward and you disgust me.
3. Alien Invasion/Zombie Bullshit - You can’t kill fictional creatures with regular guns. You can rarely kill them with machine guns but machine guns will enable you to acquire one of their space vehicles to dock with the mothership where you can use your laptop to upload a virus to their mainframe, disabling their shields. Then, you’ll need Randy Quaid to fly a fighter jet into the firing component of their primary weapon on their drone ship. Again, this may seem a little convoluted but it’s the machine gun that catalyzes these events.
4. Hunting - It’s safe to say that most people love to hunt but don’t like the taste of venison. So why kill an animal with a stupid rifle if it’s just going to rot in the woods? In the interest of keeping our forests/dense jungle clean, It’s best to hunt these animals with gas powered shoulder mounted grenade launchers. This way you can get the erection from hunting without leaving something to stink up the woods. Because when you hunt with a grenade launcher, there is nothing left.
4. Overthrow Government - That’s really the whole point, right? If we don’t have assault weapons, how will we be able to overthrow the government? But if we’re being honest with ourselves, will machine guns be enough? This is why we should compel the NRA to advocate for the legalization of nuclear submarines and aircraft carriers. How am I supposed to defend my family if I don’t have a surface-to-air missile system surreptitiously camouflaged under some foliage collected from my jungle on the roof of my double wide trailer? But nevertheless, it’s important to have access to machine guns just in case we need to kill American soliders in the process of taking control of the federal government. I don’t think this is unreasonable.
Bill Dixon is a comedy writing residing in Los Angeles. You can follow him on Twitter @Billdixonish