Open Letter To Those Who Signed Petition To Secede From U.S.

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness
Dear Crybabies,

Recently, your guy lost a presidential election. I know, I know— total bummer. So, being the American patriot that you are, you have signed a petition compelling your state to secede from the United States.

So let me understand, your boyfriend wasn’t picked to be captain of the high school football team so now you’re going to quit the cheerleading squad in protest. Or maybe it’s more akin to your eighth birthday when you asked for that pony and instead your parents got you a puppy so you folded your arms with tears running down your cheeks as the rubber banded “Birthday Girl” hat atop your head surreptitiously inched from 12:00 to 3:00 with each stomp of your foot as you declared in one trembling breath that you had “the worst mommy and daddy ever! I don’t wanna have a burfday anymore!” Whatever the case may be, it’s very patriotic of you.

The irony is that a large portion of you who signed the petition— because you’re so tired of government spending—actually live in states completely subsidized by federal (evil) dollars.

States receiving the most federal funding per tax dollar paid:
1. New Mexico: $2.63
2. West Virginia: $2.57
3. Mississippi: $2.47
4. District of Colombia: $2.41
5. Hawaii: $2.38
6. Alabama: $2.03
7. Alaska: $1.93
8. Montana: $1.92
9. South Carolina: $1.92
10. Maine: $1.78

New Mexico, reigning king of “dude…can you spot me?”, should be careful about all this secession talk. With no army, no money, a 46% Hispanic population and sharing a border with a country that has a lot more of all the things I just mentioned, the name New Mexico would be eerily appropriate. You’ll be using the peso for currency before the next season of Storage Wars ends.

But most of your secession signatures— since last count, over 85,000—have come from the great state of Texas. This makes a little more sense. Texas is a big income state with a very distinct people and culture. If you don’t buy that, think about this: If you’re wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat in New York City, you’re wearing a costume. If you’re wearing the same thing in Texas, it’s Tuesday.

That being said, I think you should go for it. Seriously, maybe secession is the best thing for you. My only concern is how much work it’s going to be to remove all those uber patriotic “I love America” bumper stickers, laminates, car window graphics, tattoos, wallpaper, ceilingpaper, underwear, coffee mugs, coffins, diaphragms, heart stents, etc., from your everything. That’s going to be a long Sunday. Also, having Skee Ball Champion & Certified Manchild Rick Perry as your commander-in-chief should give you pause. But maybe you’re looking forward to your declaration of independence being signed in magic marker— different strokes.

No matter what happens, Mommy and Daddy want you to know we understand. You’ve made your point. You wanted a pony, you got a puppy, now you want to be homeless. We get it— Don’t Mess with Texas. But if I’m being honest, it feels more like “Come on guys, don’t mess with Texas. Seriously, they’re very emotional right now.” Now straighten your “Birthday Girl” hat and wipe the tears from your face because you look like a fucking idiot.

Love Always,


About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for and Editor and Founder of