Now that the Republican ticket is receiving free government protection from the Secret Service (don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll cut off that expense when they win), the candidates have been given code names. What’s your pick? Mine are “The President” and “Altar Boy.” Let’s face it, Romney looks like Joe President (slightly stiff) action figure. Ok, think of it this way, if you were writing a graphic novel, your president would look like Romney. And by calling him President now, when he only thinks he’s President, the bad guys will be totally fooled! As for Paul Ryan, I think he may be a genetically designed a patten holder, but the Church didn’t realize that he would continue to grow. So he can still squeeze his forehead and look askance in an erie and melancholy way that makes you remember your sins. Especially gluttony.
Speaking of gluttony, did you know that Paul Ryan has just eight percent body fat! And who has just 8 percent body fat, you ask? Well, how about Olympic athletes. How about Olympic track and field sprinters. I don’t know what P90X stands for, but if you run races in Wisconsin dairy country, I mean House of Representative races, and you can keep your body fat to eight percent, you are extreme!
And that’s not all, Ryan ran a marathon in under three hours once! Sure, he was in his early twenties, but you know how many people run 26 miles in under three hours? Well how about only the top three percent!
Which brings us to the point of these mind numbing numbers – Paul Ryan’s secret service nickname is probably “Numbers.” I mean, he’s the author of the Paul Ryan Budget that boldly slashes the federal debt by slashing taxes on the wealthy and spending on everything else, oh, except defense. After all, government spending on defense creates jobs, but any other spending destroys it. (How can they be so sure? Because according to liberals, every billion in defense spending creates 11,000 jobs while the same amount spent on education creates 26,000 jobs – and we all know that liberals have it backwards!) The important thing is that the Ryan plan will balance the budget in 2040, which is like five years after the Newt Gingrich memorial space colony will open.
Of course, Mitt has his own set of numbers, such as identifying the forty seven percent of Americans who are dragging us all down. It’s not his job to worry about them. I don’t know, maybe they will eventually live outside the cities in great hordes and feed on Soylent green or something. I know, I know, Soylent green is made of people, but so is America! And we the People of America, in order to create a more perfect union, created the Constitution that Obama has eviscerated. Don’t let your mind go numb thinking about the numbers, this is an important election.