Ron Paul Drops Out of Presidential Race and Challenges Justin Bieber for Internet Supremacy

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness
According to the latest Rasmussen poll, Ron Paul in a statistical dead-heat with President Barack Obama among likely voters. Moreover, Paul does best out of the four Republican candidates among America’s largest voting bloc, self-identified independents.

If Ron Paul would be the strongest competitor in a general election then why is Ron Paul in dead last with no primary or caucus wins?

Tonight RestoringTruthiness speaks with the chairman of Ron Paul’s presidential campaign, Jesse Benton.

RestoringTruthiness: Jesse, thank you for joining us.

Jesse Benton: It’s a pleasure.

RT: Mr. Benton, national polls suggest Ron Paul would be one of the most —if not the most— able candidates to defeat President Obama come November.  Why has the Ron Paul campaign struggled to convert the substantial online and grassroots support into electoral votes?

Benton: You know, we are and always have been a grassroots operation. Our support among the working-class Americans, especially online, is vast but it’s nearly impossible to contend with the insurmountable fundraising capacity of the Super PACs. Ultimately, we don’t really care what happens with the election. For Ron Paul, the presidential campaign is just a way to help lay the groundwork for the larger campaign ahead.

RT: It’s tough to imagine any campaign that might trump a presidential bid! What do you mean when you say “larger campaign”?

Benton: Look, this presidential campaign is just a vehicle to raise awareness for a much more important campaign. One that he can actually win: Ron Paul is running for president of the Internet.

RT: President of the Internet?

Benton: Look, we realize that Ron Paul’s appeal seems to be almost exclusive to the Internet. You would think that the millions of vocal supporters on the blogs and messages boards would yield an actual voting bloc, but it turns out most of these supporters can’t get away from blogging about Ron Paul long enough to actually vote for him. So, we adjusted our strategy and moving forward, we think we have a real shot at winning this thing…the Internet presidency.

RT: President of the Internet?

Benton: President of the Internet.

RT: I don’t think that’s…that’s not a real thing.

Benton: Oh really? Just ask Internet President Justin Bieber how fake his position is.

RT: Justin Bieber is a musician, isn’t he?

Benton: Really? Name one song that Justin Bieber sings.

RT: Oh, well I don’t—

Benton: Hey listen, don’t sweat it, nobody can. In fact, it’s hard to name anything positive President Bieber’s administration has done over the past several years to make the Internet a better place. All I hear about are more social programs like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, the list goes on. President Bieber is a socialist, plain and simple.

RT: So Ron Paul is raising money and awareness so that he can be president of the Internet. Okay, but there are no Internet elections so how does one quantify a win?

Benton: Simple—YouTube views.

RT: Ron Paul is running for President of the United States of America so that he can raise money to make the most popular YouTube videos?

Benton: When you say it like that it makes it sound like a stupid idea.

RT: Well—

Benton: But I’m hardly surprised; the liberal media has been on President Bieber’s side since day one. So now it appears that Justin Bieber is the people’s choice but real Americans don’t approve of Justin Bieber. He’s weak and he’s a Muslim.

RT: Oh, wow. I really don’t think Justin Bieber is a Muslim.

Benton: Well…that’s the lie that you —“The Media”— chooses to perpetuate to keep that tiny, florescent, bouffant-haired Muslim in power. He’s weak.

RT: Come on, he’s just a kid.

Benton: A weak Muslim child.

RT: Regardless of Justin Bieber’s religious affiliation, this whole plan just seems like an extraordinarily convoluted and an incredibly deceitful manipulation of capital. All of this just for you to make a YouTube video seems like an inconceivable waste of resources.

Benton: We’re not talking about just any YouTube video, we are talking about a YouTube video of epic proportions. I don’t want to give too much away but the Ron Paul campaign has spend over $31 million purchasing 20,000 trampolines, 100,000 bagged goldfish, and amassing the largest herd of feral cats in the history of the planet, over 9 million currently in captivity. Not to mention 40,000 metric tons of TNT. Now that’s twice the power of the Hiroshima bomb. This is going to be the YouTube of YouTube clips.

RT: That’s a lot of cats.

Benton: You can see the litter box from space.

RT: Thank you so much for meeting with us.

Benton: Oh, can I plug the website real quick?

RT: Sorry, out of time.

 

About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.