Pride and Prejudice, and Political Zombies

Mitt Romney puts ring on Republican Party nose.

Dearest and loveliest Republican Party, Forget my moderate past.

He has ‘only the fondest of sentiments for sport’ and counts ‘amongst my closest friends several who own NASCAR teams.’ In all ways, he’s a proper gentleman about whom the only rumors are those of his wealth.  When chiding hecklers as to the personhood of corporations, he calls them “friend.” On a vigorous run, hardly a hair is misplaced, nor does sweat break upon his brow as would a commoner. In all ways, the most eligible of bachelors for the hand of the Republican Party.

Though thrown from their White House estate four years ago by the demise of their accomplished leader George W. Bush, the Party has fought to maintain their pride, assiduously rejecting any notion of moderation or compromise  . Yet it was only one election ago that Romney let slip his own prejudice for the Party he now courts so earnestly. He authored laws that dared expand state government in the realm of health care and closed tax loopholes on corporations (of all people!). The memory of these remains in the mind of the Republican Party as they long for a suitor that can restore them to the house they perceive as their birthright.

In the most peculiar of fates, Romney’s battle for the affections of the Party have taken the most sinister of turns. Arrayed against this gentleman has been the vilest of creatures — the undead. Indeed, one suitor after another has vied for the hand of the Party only to have their zombified visage revealed.  Again and again the Party believed it had met a true and living suitor.  Whether by the greatness of their super pac estate or simply their jocular witticism, only to be horrified when the truth be revealed.

There was the dashing Rick Perry, so gallant on the steed of his unquestioning faith.  Yet perhaps by lacking the adequate ingestion of brains, did his own fail him in duel. The names of three dragons he promised to slay, but their names could he not recall. For a time, it seemed that Newt Gingrich would garland the Party with jewels, whilst fending off liberals by his pugnacious prose. But his riches it seems, were the gift of gamblers to whom he was now indebted. Through two score jousts, Romney vied with so many of  these un-living  creatures and now faces a final challenge — he who seemed the least of his concerns has plodded steadfastly by a hunger that vomits any words of moderation.  Romney still faces a ravenous Rick Santorum.

How shall this end? Santorum plods along, feeding on small donors along the way, but can he garner what is needed to demand the hand of the Party?

And what of the Party herself?  Is she ready to accept the man she once referred to as “the Massachusetts Moderate?” For Romney, the battle has indeed been costly, yet he has learned the error of his moderate and compromising ways:

Romney: I knew that if you had absolutely decided against me, you would have acknowledged it openly.
Party: Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that!
Romney: As a child I was given good principles, but was left to follow them in pride and conceit. Such I might still have been, but for you, dearest and loveliest Republican Party.