Spin Doctor Pat Robertson Explains Tornadoes

Spin Doctor Pat Robertson Explains Tornados700 Club | Right Wing Watch
Tornadoes are serious business. And with the recent deadly outbreaks of tornadoes it’s no wonder that people are searching for answers as to why this has happened. In a new segment for the 700 Club “Pat Robertson Explains Tornadoes,” Don from Illinois asked Robertson, “Why did God send the tornadoes?” Robertson had this to say:

God didn’t send tornadoes. God sent up a world in which certain currents interfere and interact with other currents. When you have a warm group of air coming out of the south coming up against a cold mass that’s up in the north you’ll get vortexes and that in turn will spawn tornadoes.

Wow! Pat Robertson, meteorologist! Okay. This works. This makes perfect sense. Considering he thinks that earthquakes are the result of land leases with Satan, this is progress. Let’s see what else Spin Doctor Robertson has to say about tornadoes and responsibility:

All I can say is why do you build houses in a place where tornadoes are apt to happen?

Good question. Why would you build a house in Alabama, Arkansas, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Dakota, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, or Wisconsin? Geez, there are, like, 24 other states to live in!

Spin Doctor Robertson also reminded his flock that, damn it, they didn’t pray hard enough and now their loved ones are dead!

Well maybe if enough people were praying He would intervene. You could pray. God, Jesus could still the storm, you could still the storms.

So let’s review, people. This is not God’s fault. It’s your fault for living in the wrong half of America. And then when you were crouched in the bathtub nearly smothering your kids trying to protect them from flying debris, apparently you weren’t praying enough. Again, your fault because, see, although God had the power all this time to “still the storm” that he “didn’t send”, he apparently wants you to cry “Uncle” first or else he’s taking something or someone you love.

About Deborah Brancheau

Deborah Brancheau is the Managing Editor of RestoringTruthiness.org, a political comedy website inspired by the political satire of Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Deborah's background is a smörgåsbord of experience. With a bachelor’s degrees in Anthropology and Theatre and a Minor in Cinema/Television, and a Master's Degree in Communication from the University of Southern California, Deborah took her heavily student-loan-funded education and became a sports-writing, high-school-teaching, graphic-designing, university-professing, broke-bum bastard. When that didn't work out too well, she refunneled her expertise into this new venture, RestoringTruthiness.org.