Rush Limbaugh Apologizes to Sandra Fluke: “I Didn’t Mean What I Said, Re-Emphasized, and Doubled-Down On”

Rush Limbaugh - Cherokee Freedmen Only Want Citizenship for the BenefitsIn a desperate attempt to woo back his advertisers that fled his show this past week, Rush Limbaugh has gone from pit bull to poodle. Since calling Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute, advertisers such as Sleep Train, Sleep Number, Legal Zoom, Citrix and Quicken Loans all bailed on the 61-year-old former drug addict and currently weight-challenged American. Trying hopelessly to take back his “slut” comment regarding Sandra Fluke, Limbaugh issued the ever-popular “I Didn’t Mean What I Said, Re-Emphasized, and Doubled-Down On” apology.

Yes this happens all the time. As Limbaugh explains, “In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation.” OH! That’s what happened! ‘Cause I was like, “Man! He must have meant something else like, blut, or … dlut, or … krflut! And mostitute or frostitute (not big earners … or an Alaskan prostitute, could be either one)!”

Gotcha!

He then went on to explain that it wasn’t personal: “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.”

Well that makes sense. See in order for this to be considered a personal attack there are certain criteria that need to be met: 1) the attack needs to last for at least two days; and 2) the attack needs to go viral.

The latter was met easily as Limbaugh Dittoheads tweeted away how much of a whore Ms. Fluke was for wanting to help her friend treat her ovarian cysts. What a hussy slut!

However, it’s the first criteria that Rush didn’t think he met. I know, you’re thinking, “But, Deborah, Rush called her a slut on both Wednesday AND Thursday and went on to say said her parents should be ashamed of her.” Yes, you’re right. But did you look at the calendar? What day was Wednesday? That’s right … Leap Day. And everyone knows that nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Or so we thought! It turns out that insults to women about the use of their lady parts ALWAYS counts… ALWAYS… always…

Rush went on to say some more stuff about his thoughts on “discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress” which is when he began discussing sneakers:

I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities [sexual recreational activities]. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit?

For someone who apparently hasn’t worn sneakers since 1956, it’s no surprise he would be disgusted by the sluts who wear such revealing footwear. Limbaugh’s deadly fear of a future debate that may or may not happen must have been the catalyst that caused him to become flummoxed and thus spew the resulting vomitous words that were, as he says, not at all directed at Sandra Fluke.

Limbaugh finished his explanation by saying, “In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone’s bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level.”

I remember that. I think that’s when he said:

So, Ms. Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here’s the deal: If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. And I’ll tell you what it is. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.

Same thing, right?

So, I have another proposition for Rush. If he doesn’t want to “pay for these social activities”, I say we don’t pay for his “social activities” like his drug rehab or any of his health issues related to his weight or his potential cancer from his smoking cigars. He too should be personally responsible and accountable.

Apology in Full

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times, we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone’s bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level.

My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.

About Deborah Brancheau

Deborah Brancheau is the Managing Editor of RestoringTruthiness.org, a political comedy website inspired by the political satire of Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Deborah's background is a smörgåsbord of experience. With a bachelor’s degrees in Anthropology and Theatre and a Minor in Cinema/Television, and a Master's Degree in Communication from the University of Southern California, Deborah took her heavily student-loan-funded education and became a sports-writing, high-school-teaching, graphic-designing, university-professing, broke-bum bastard. When that didn't work out too well, she refunneled her expertise into this new venture, RestoringTruthiness.org.