An Interview with GOP Frontrunner Mitt Romney

An Interview with GOP Frontrunner Mitt RomneyMatthew Reichbach
We caught up with Governor Romney at GM’s former Detroit home office, the Cadillac Place.

RT: Thank you, Governor Romney, for sitting down with us.  Congratulations on your big wins in Arizona and Michigan.  Are you back to being “inevitable” again?

MR: Yes, if only because the GOP has no real alternative.  I mean, have you listened to my opponents?  One is offended by college, the other wants an open marriage, and the third guy’s entire agenda can be described as Angry Birds: Washington.

RT: With this field, many in the media have tossed around the word “ignorant.”

MR: As the Book of Mormon states: “It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance” (Doctrine and Covenants 131:6).  Clearly, they must be talking about Rick Santorum, who not only thinks life begins at conception, but that an unborn fetus makes a fabulous tchotchke.  And Newt Gingrich’s domestic policy of open marriage is something I and my three sister-wives are entirely against.

RT: You had a great night in Arizona, Governor, where you won by a spread of twenty points.

MR: Yes, it’s the most exciting thing to happen in Arizona politics since my campaign’s co-chairman, Paul Babeu, had to resign in a lurid gay sex scandal.  Now, I’m not one to judge but it seems to me that if you’re an Arizona Republican running for Congress, it’s probably not a good idea to have a profile on Adam for Adam.  But in his defense, who doesn’t like a little Mexican?  And Ann and not only wish him the best – we were both heartened to learn he was the top.

RT: What was the biggest surprise during the returns?

MR: That Rachel Maddow not only wears eye shadow, but that her soft smoky look made me start thinking about her private sector.  I haven’t been this hard watching MSNBC since Michelle Bachmann compared herself to Margaret Thatcher.  Rachel, after all, is a biblical name.  And speaking of getting biblical, I’m all for girl-on-girl action as long as it’s in the confines of marriage.  Mormon marriage.  Or porn.

RT: Why does Mitt Romney keep making these verbal slips?

MR: Why not?  If J-Lo can have a nip slip at the Oscars, then can’t I have a verbal slip or two?  Besides, I actually do own a couple Cadillacs, think trees are the right height in Michigan, enjoy firing people, and I don’t give a good-gosh-darn about the poor.  And as for tying my Irish Setter to the roof of my car, let’s just say I’m glad dogs still don’t have the right to vote in this country.

RT: After months of denial, is it now too late for moderate conservatives to protest what’s happened to the GOP?

MR: I have now won in Wyoming, New Hampshire, Florida, Maine, Nevada, Arizona and Michigan.  And I did it without coming out against contraception, college, or wearing a JC Penney’s sweater-vest.  So you tell me.

RT: And you’re not afraid of a brokered convention where they draft Chris Christie?

MR: The only thing that should be afraid of Chris Christie is that double enchilada fatburger at the munchmobile outside the New Jersey Statehouse.

RT: What’s up next for Mitt Romney?

MR: I’m looking forward to next week, or as my family in Mexico calls it, Super Taco Tuesday.

RT: Thank you, Governor.  Best of luck next week.