Snowe’s Departure From Senate Means Laser Tag For All

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness

It’s the exodus of the centrists in Washington. Senator Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) announced her retirement on Tuesday. Her exit, followed by independent and blue dog Democrats like Joe Lieberman, Ben Nelson and Kent Conrad, marks the all but inevitable extinction of the moderate.

During her press statement, Snowe lamented, “I do find it frustrating…that an atmosphere of polarization and ‘my way or the highway’ ideologies has become pervasive in campaigns and in our governing institutions.”

Although a surprise to her constituents, Snowe’s departure was hardly a surprise to the leadership of either party. In fact, they admitted to have been trying to push her out the door since 2010. According to sources from both sides of the aisle, the departure of Olympia Snowe now makes it possible to pass a bipartisan bill that would convert the Capitol building into a giant laser tag arena.

H.R. 4099, or the Super Awesome Laser Tag Governance Act, would redirect 900 million from Social Security to convert the U.S. Capitol Building into the world’s largest laser tag maze. During session, both parties’ senators would be required to wear either red or blue uniforms and compete for “street cred” in the 175,170 square foot arena.

“Look, our approval rating is at 10% on a good day,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “And realistically we’re not getting anything done, not in this bipartisan climate. It really just boils down to this: We can argue and not get anything done or we can argue, not get anything done, and play laser tag. It’s a no brainer.”

Majority Leader Harry Reid had a similar sentiment, “Listen, the partisan gridlock makes it impossible to govern. Why wouldn’t we take this time to at least have a little fun on the way down. This country is the Titanic sinking and we’re just the band that’s playing you out. We could stand on the Senate floor and play Taps or we can have some fun and play Juke Box Hero by Foreigner.”

 

About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.