Romney vs. Gingrich / Cashinator vs. Smarface

Yuriy Krynytskyy | Restoring Truthiness

Mitt Romney never sleeps; he only stands-by. Every morning, 5 a.m., his brain downloads and installs updates. Then Romney goes for a 10-mile run, stopping only to let his personal fitness trainer catch his breath. Before breakfast, Mitt shortly goes online for some quick stock trading, makes himself a couple million, just to keep in shape.

Mitt Romney was real good in that Florida debate; that’s because he had rehearsed the debate a few times on his way to high school in April 1962. Leaving for the Mormon mission in Francein 1966, Mitt already knew what he would have for breakfast on May 26th, 2014. He had planned his electoral defeats to Kennedy and McCain; he only ran to get campaign experience. What good would it be to win the 2008 GOP nomination?

By age 15, Mitt was smarter than most people by age 50. The stupidity of an average human has amazed and annoyed Romney for decades; disgusted, he reluctantly learned to take advantage of it. Romney never understood why people maraud themselves with tobacco, alcohol, cholesterol, football, moustache, movies, anger, leisure, being late, non-reproductive copulation, extramarital affairs, forgetting federal departments, imprecise verbal expressions, etc.

Mitt Romney speaks in math. “Buy at $34.78 per share, sell at $36.11” means exactly what it says. “I’m not worried about grandma because she has a caregiver, and if there’s a problem I’ll fix it” means exactly what it says. Romney never understood how people can read this as “I don’t give a sh*t about grandma, and I really laugh watching the old bitch fall from the stairs.”

Romney’s 16-core processor instantly recognized the meaning of Obama’s “We got a bit lazy about job creation” phrase; equally instantly, the processor recognized the benefits of misrepresenting the point as an insult against the hard-working average American.


In the evening, Romney goes for some relaxing massage. The massager places his fingers on Romney’s neck and pushes Ctrl+Alt+Del, finds anxiety in the Task Manager and chooses “End Process”.

Gingrich – oh, well. Gingrich failed to live his life on the autopilot. Newt is like Tony Montana, the Scarface, a high-intensity, never-number-two, don’t-f*ck-with-me, rage-prone pleasure-lover. Except, when the raging Scarface screams “Say Hello to My Little Friend!”, he pulls the trigger; Newt pulls the zipper.

Newt Gingrich is the Charlie Sheen of the GOP. He likes women and himself. Or, himself and then women. He is a winner, and if you manage to forget that, you will be reminded. Well, you will be reminded anyway. In fact, Charlie borrowed his now famous “rock star from Mars” tirade from Gingrich; it was the Newt who first said: “I’m tired of pretending like I’m NOT special, I’m tired of pretending like I’m NOT a bitching total freaking rock star from Mars!”.

They kind of speak in the same vein. Here’s Newt: “I’m such an unconventional political figure that you really need to design a unique campaign that fits the way I operate.”

Here’s Charlie: “…people can’t figure me out, they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain”.

Wait, I might be confusing who said what. Go figure.

Back in 1996, Newt said this: “You don’t understand how I operate and never will. I get up every morning and say to myself, ‘This is the day I shall die.’ ” Seriously. This is how the no-tomorrow Charlie Sheen lives his life. Maybe the Eros-Thanatos thing explains Newt’s repeated marriages.

Romney? This one gets up every day and says to himself, “Another day, another million”.

With Newt, this may be “Another day, another marriage”.

Except, unlike Charlie, Newt never needed cocaine; he usually gets high by looking in the mirror.

Newt Gingrich invests himself in what he does. He has put his most sensitive, vulnerable, inflatable part into everything he dealt with. I mean his ego, of course.

One of his hobbies is alternate history. That’s speculating on how history would proceed had a decision-maker decided differently (ask Romney – the dumbest way to spend time). In his new speculative history novel, the Citizens United appeal is rejected, Romney is unable to flood airwaves with anti-Gingrich ads, Newt wins the nomination (so far quite realistic, considering his post-Cain poll dominance), defeats Obama in debates, defeats Ahmadinejad in the hand-to-hand battle (quite likely, considering the weight difference), liberates Ahmadinejad’s harem and marries it.

Another hobby of Gingrich is doing things that preclude his electoral success, then bulldozing uphill against the odds.

To prevent himself from ever using the Reagan brand, he attacked Reagan as a defeatist, peacenik, and madman signing theMunichpact with Hitler (Gorbachev was the Hitler of the 80s, Reagan was Neville Chamberlain).

To undermine his image among conservatives, Newt threw a side affair and a couple of divorces.

To forever destroy his image, Newt got himself reprimanded and kicked out by his own party.

To annoy his Southern Baptist base, people formerly known for the anti-Catholic sentiments, he switched from Baptism to Catholicism.

To disgust everyone, left to right, he consumingly French-kissed with the commonly unpopular, shadowy corrupted Freddie Mac.

To terrorize the right-wingers, he landed his ass on the couch with Nancy Pelosi in an ad against the global warming.

Then he overcame all of that and smoothly glided to the top. If you live like there’s no future, people forgive you your past.

His second wife said she could end Newt’s career with a single interview. The interview arrived on the verge of the decisive SC vote. Newt ended her ending of his career with a single rant against the media, wheeling unstoppably to his massive win in SC.

And then his staff stabbed him in the back. Again. There was the silly video calling Romney “the most anti-immigrant candidate”. Newt was also misled by his staff research into accusing Mitt of owning Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac stocks. In the Florida debate, Romney terminated Newt, Schwarzenegger-style, on both accounts. Had he not attacked Romney on those two points, his lead in Florida could survive.

But after all, Charlie Sheen has been smoking – HEAVILY – for 25 years, and doing cocaine since, well, who knows, 7th grade, and his medical record shows he’s got a healthy young body. Rich people get away with anything, there’s no justice in this world. So far Gingrich was able to get away with shooting himself in the foot. Well, to say he had shot himself in the foot would be a metaphoric understatement. He shot himself in both of his feet, both of his arms, and both of his heads. Also, his stomach, his chest, then jumped into a munitions dump and detonated the goddam thing.

But the GOP deficiency of eloquent smart-talking people has been upping Newt’s price despite Newt’s attempts to make a quick, silent exit Pawlenty-style. I mean, Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain were all fun to play with, and stuff, but the Party is yearning for some old-skool sophistication, some grey-haired self-importance, someone capable of weaving fancy words into fancy phrases, and shooting a spontaneous witticism. Newt’s ability to alternate among sophistication, humor, and acridity explains why conservatives alternate between hating and loving him.

So Newt has proved it again – the greatest pleasure you give people with the mouth. Not that I compare him to Hitler or Trotsky, but the mouth has been a massive force in history.