California to Nation: I’m Leaving You for Another Country

Califorina Most Hated StateCalifornia
The state of California announced today that she was leaving America for another country after news from Public Policy Polling came out that Americans had voted California as the most hated state out of all 50 states.

“What did I do to deserve such treatment?” said the teary-eyed, bleeding-heart hamlet.

“I have done nothing but provide for this nation and this is the thanks I get? I gave you square tomatoes for f*** sake! And this is what you do to me?”

The heart break in Cali’s eye’s was evident as she presented a list of 100 items that she says she is taking with her when she leaves the country, reportedly for Mexico.

We got a peek at the list and judging by its thoroughness, she’s very serious in her convictions.

Dear America,

I was appalled to hear that I was voted as the most hated state in the country. I noticed you all LOVE Hawaii. Hawaii?! WTF? Why, because you’re guaranteed to get leid the minute you get off the plane? And Colorado? Really? Even its shape is square. You can’t get more boring than that. Well, except for Wyoming … which you also love more than me!

But I digress. I’m writing to tell you that I’m leaving you for another country. And with that there are 100 things I’m taking with me because you don’t seem to appreciate them as much as the locals do.

In alphabetical order:

  1. Angeles National Forest
  2. Ansel Adams
  3. Apple
  4. Barbie
  5. Big Bear
  6. Big Sur
  7. The Birth Control Pill
  8. Cable Cars
  9. Camp Pendelton
  10. Cannery Row
  11. Catalina Island
  12. Charlie Brown
  13. Coachella
  14. The Coastline
  15. The Coliseum
  16. Comic Con
  17. Death Valley
  18. Disneyland
  19. Ebay
  20. Entertainment (Celebrities, Movies, Television, Music, etc.)
  21. Facebook
  22. Food
  23. Fort Bragg
  24. The Gap
  25. Gay Marriage
  26. General Sherman (the Tree)
  27. The Getty Center
  28. Ghirardelli Chocolate
  29. The Giant Sequoias
  30. The Golden Gate Bridge
  31. Golf Carts
  32. The Good Weather
  33. Google
  34. Grapes
  35. Grauman’s Chinese Theatre
  36. Griffith Observatory
  37. Haight-Ashbury
  38. Hollywood Bowl
  39. Hotel California
  40. The Internet
  41. Jelly Bellys
  42. John Steinbeck and his House
  43. Joshua Tree
  44. Knott’s Berry Farm
  45. Lake Arrowhead
  46. Lake Tahoe
  47. Levi’s
  48. Mammoth
  49. Mexican Food made by real California Mexicans
  50. Microbreweries
  51. Money Ball (the movie and the method)
  52. Mt. Shasta
  53. Mt. Whitney
  54. My Fifth of the US Geologic Survey
  55. My Side of the Colorado River
  56. Napa Valley
  57. NASA Ames Research Center
  58. NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Auto Club Speedway
  59. National Yo-Yo Museum
  60. Olvera Street
  61. Over the Line Tournament (of Drunks)
  62. Palm Springs
  63. PayPal
  64. Pebble Beach
  65. Pixar
  66. Redlands
  67. Redwoods National Park
  68. Ripley’s Believe It or Not
  69. Rodeo Drive
  70. Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan and their Library
  71. The Rosebowl
  72. Rubio’s Fish Tacos
  73. The Salk Institute
  74. The San Diego Zoo
  75. Santa Anita Park
  76. Santa Monica Pier
  77. Scripps Aquarium
  78. Sea World
  79. Silicon Valley
  80. Snow Summit
  81. Snowfest
  82. The Spanish Missions
  83. Spray Tans
  84. square tomatoes
  85. Squaw Valley
  86. Star Wars
  87. The Sunset Strip
  88. Suntan Lotion
  89. Tanning Beds
  90. Thirteen percent of US GDP
  91. The Toad Hollow Tunnels For Toad Traffic
  92. Twitter
  93. Universal Studios
  94. The US Open of Surfing
  95. Venice Beach
  96. Whiskeytown
  97. Wineries
  98. Yelp
  99. Yosemite
  100. Z… Mexico. I’m taking Mexico. Now you know. I’m taking Mexico now because I know I can it for a song. Then I’ll just sell Arizona all the drugs and I’ll be out of my little recession in no time! (Damn! Did I say that out loud?)

About Deborah Brancheau

Deborah Brancheau is the Managing Editor of RestoringTruthiness.org, a political comedy website inspired by the political satire of Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Deborah's background is a smörgåsbord of experience. With a bachelor’s degrees in Anthropology and Theatre and a Minor in Cinema/Television, and a Master's Degree in Communication from the University of Southern California, Deborah took her heavily student-loan-funded education and became a sports-writing, high-school-teaching, graphic-designing, university-professing, broke-bum bastard. When that didn't work out too well, she refunneled her expertise into this new venture, RestoringTruthiness.org.