Once Upon A Primary

[/media-credit]Image via Wikipedia”]English: baby elephantONCE UPON A TIME there was a young elephant.  This elephant was – as elephants often are – Republican.  And as the young pachyderm journeyed through the jungle toward his polling place, he came across a crazy old man who cackled like a fool.

“They think I’m dangerous,” squealed the old Texan Libertarian.

“Why would they think that?” asked the elephant.

“Heck if I know.  All I want is to legalize drugs and prostitution, put an end to social security and our involvement in wars.  And even though I’m a doctor, I want to make it damn near impossible for people to get healthcare.”

“You want to end wars?” asked the young Republican.  “That is crazy.”  And as he walked away, he heard the old man yell, “Beware of the black Democrat!”

Not too much further along, the elephant came upon a morally empty sweater vest.  “Who are you?” asked the young Republican.

“I am he who is called Santorum,” said the empty sweater vest.

“Santorum, what a beautiful name,” said the elephant.  “I wonder what it means.”

“It means ‘all the power, glory and wisdom a white man is entitled to.’  Trust me on that — don’t Google it.”

“You’re making my trunk hard,” said the elephant.

Pleased, the Santorum smiled.  “In my world, there is no contraception, abortion, or marriage equality.”


“I also don’t believe climate change, evolution or blowjobs.”

“You’re starting to lose me,” said the elephant as he continued through the jungle.  But as he left, he heard the Santorum also warn him, “Beware of the black Democrat!”

Not too much further along, there was a bridge.  And standing before the bridge, blocking the elephant’s path, was a grotesque and horribly ugly creature with grey hair, tiny blue eyes, and blotchy skin the color of corruption.

“I am called the Gingrich, the troll said, “and you may not pass until you donate to help me defeat Obamneycare.”

“Obamneycare?  That sounds disgusting,” said the elephant.

“Oh, it is.  It’s the bastard healthcare child of Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.”

“Obama?  The dreaded black Democrat?”

“One and the same,” said the troll.  “He is also a Saul Alinsky radical who craves healthy people, compromise, and dead terrorists.”

“Who is Saul Alinsky?” asked the elephant.

“I don’t know,” said the Gingrich, “but if you donate to my campaign, I will let you pass.”

The elephant looked at him for a moment, and then chuckled and said, “Dude.  I’m an elephant,” and then proceeded to cross the bridge, knocking the troll into the swampy toxic sludge below, which the Gingrich took to like mother’s milk.

Finally, the young Republican happened upon his last candidate.  His name was Plastic Man.  He was a tall, proud yet effeminate man, who hates the poor, enjoys firing people and doesn’t pay taxes.

“Why don’t you pay taxes?” asked the elephant.

“Because my company, Bain Capital, lobbied for tax laws to change so the wealthy can pay a shockingly low rate.”

“Cool,” said the elephant.  “And that’s legal?” he asked.

“You bet,” said Plastic Man, with a smile as wide as Utah.

“But is it ethical?” asked the elephant.

“I’m sorry.  I don’t understand the question,” said Plastic Man.

The elephant looked at the Plastic Man and suddenly became sad, depressed and withdrawn.

“What’s the problem?”

“I’m just realizing my choices are a crazy old Texan, a hate-spewing sweater vest, an adulterous troll, and you.”

Then Plastic Man smiled again and said, “If you think we’re bad, you should have met Cain, Perry, or Bachmann.”

The elephant considered this.  Then, using his 2nd Amendment right to bear arms, took out a handgun, placed it to his head, and – BANG! – voted for none-of-the-above.