Undecided Republican Voters Experiencing Memory Loss

Undecided Republican Voters Experiencing Memory LossThe Republican Primary is all but officially a two elephant race. With Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich as the only legitimate candidates for the nomination, a distressing phenomenon has developed in undecided Republican voters. I call it Mitt-Induced-Memory-Loss or “MIML”.

The cause of MIML is simple; no one likes Mitt Romney. He’s like a charisma-less Gordon Gekko. This disenfranchisement with Romney has now twice caused Republican voters to lose their memories and throw their support behind Newt Gingrich. The Center for Disease Control has tracked the first case of MIML to Iowa, which died down for almost a month, but came back even stronger in South Carolina and has swept into Florida.

Early symptoms of MIML include finding yourself unable to concentrate or experiencing a heavy feeling of apathy during Romney interviews. In the advanced stages of MIML, victims will wake up from a blackout in the middle of a televised Republican debate and start thinking: “Who is the heavier gray haired gentlemen that looks like an aged baby? This guy is interesting. He speaks frankly and passionately. He seems intelligent. I think I like this guy.”

There seems to be only one cure for MIML; Romney-backing Super PAC ads reminding primary voters that this Newt Gingrich is in fact that Newt Gingrich. The Newt talking about protecting marriage is the same Newt that cheated on his two previous wives while they had cancer and MS, respectively. The Newt that wants to bring integrity back to Washington is the same Newt that was cited for congressional ethics violations. The Newt that is trying to appeal to Hispanic voters in Florida is the same Newt that referred to Spanish as “the language of living in a ghetto”.

While the Super PAC ads were effective in Iowa and seem to be working in Florida, I have a few tips to help voters in upcoming primary states avoid contracting Mitt-Induced-Memory-Loss and the subsequent barrage of attack ads that will inundate their TV screens:

1)  Don’t ever watch or listen to Mitt Romney. Let’s be honest here, if you don’t like President Obama and are voting against him no matter what, then Romney is going to be your guy. All the work is done for you, so just avoid his stump speeches and recitations of “America the Beautiful” until Election Day. Any prolonged exposure to Romney’s campaign is likely to cause MIML even if you’ve been treated for it before.

2)  If you can’t help but stay informed about the primaries and find yourself suffering from Romney apathy, be sure to place reminders around your home or office. Post-its or pictures of Gingrich on which you’ve written words like “unelectable”, “hypocrite” or “megalomaniac” should help to remind you that Gingrich is not someone who you should support. For more severe cases of MIML, I suggest tattooing these reminders on your body like Leonard Shelby from the movie Memento.

3)  Immersion Therapy. This is a bit dangerous but could prove effective. Instead of ever watching Romney, only watch Newt and only visit his website. You’ll inevitably find yourself asking questions like, “Why does he always have to explain that something he said was taken out of context?” and, “Who is the Stepford Wife who is always standing next to him?” and, “Why is he so enamored with colonizing the moon?”

Hopefully identifying MIML and giving some tips to avoid contracting this disease will help Republican undecideds in future primary states. It will be a difficult journey though, as Gingrich himself has stated that he will be campaigning all the way to the convention. That leaves plenty of time for voters to forget who he is and have Mitt remind us again…and again…and again.