Good evening distinguished members of Congress, service men and women of our great Armed Services, honored guests, and those of you at home.
I stand before this body tonight to inform you of the state of our Union.
Things are good.
The wars are winding down; albeit with a little resistance from people who would like to see we fail. But I think we’ve done all we can do. Plus, it’s really, really expensive and we’re broke.
Speaking of broke, the economy is doing better. I know I promised unemployment wouldn’t go above 8 percent and it has, but it is going down. Luckily for me, it’s happening right before election time. Am I right Democrats?
(Pause for Applause)
But, to be serious, the country is doing better, not great, but better. We got Bin Laden. Iraq is over. Afghanistan is wrapping up. We have some other problems on the horizon *cough* Iran *cough* and we will deal with them as America has always dealt with her enemies: fairly, justly, and Guantanamo Bay-e.
Keep working America. Keep trying to find jobs out there. Buy American and try and live the American dream. Things are going to get better and I will continue to work here, in the White House, to try and make things better for you because we all know Congress isn’t doing anything.
(Pause for groans/laughter)
I kid, I kid. We’re cool Congress, we’re cool. But seriously, my administration will continue to work to get the right kinds of legislation through. And by right, I mean left.
(Pause for Laughter)
The kind of legislation that we think will make America prosperous again. But I may be a little preoccupied later this year and you’ll have to forgive me. I am fighting to keep my job after all.
So, in closing, things aren’t as good as they could be, but they are better than how I found them.
Thank you and God Bless the United States of America.
That is the entire speech. Pundits and critics are flabbergasted by President Obama’s complete disregard for the traditional long-winded, self-serving, bordering on campaign speechiness qualities usually associated with State of the Union address.
In the past, State of the Union speeches lasted hours. The President would painstakingly pour over ever victory and defeat of the past year. Attributing victories to policies he had put forward and failures on the other party’s unwillingness to compromise. Subtle digs at the opposite party are weaved into the speech with grace and finesse. The speech usually ended with promises of great things to come and would leave the audience invigorated and hopeful. Never has a president come before the country and simply given an update on the state of the Union. Where in this speech will the minute-long standing ovations fit?
This is a complete departure from how things have been done. President Obama did promise change however. Only time will tell if this change is for the best. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find something to do tonight to fill all the extra time I didn’t think I would have.