SOPA and PIPA Still on the Verge of Passing

New SOPA Policing Agency Starts Test Runs

Richmond, VA – 73 year old, Bart Russell, retired schoolteacher, is enjoying an unusually warm Saturday in the middle of the winter by watching an illegal copy of Jumanji in his living room. Unannounced, fifteen men dressed in all black, holding automatic rifles, kick down the door, hogtie Bart, throw him in a black van and screech off. It’s apparent that SOPA and PIPA war is far from over. Although it seems like Congress is putting a halt to passing the bills, it is only an illusion.

The raid on Bart Russell’s “pirate ship” is a warning shot. The men dressed in all black are officers of an agency policing SOPA that refer to themselves as “the Avengers”: named in honor of their lobby-happy employers in Hollywood. The Avengers are responsible for one thing, and one thing only: the strict copyright protection of masterpieces such as Jumanji. So who’s going to stop these America-ending bills? You were probably thinking this guy:

Wikimedia
That’s right – jeans and sandals. Social uprising never looked so laid back.

Internet Kingpins like Amazon, Twitter, Facebook, and Google have threatened a blackout if SOPA is passed in protest – meaning websites will be shut down for an indefinite amount of time. In the case of certain Internet blackout, analysts project a significant decrease in pictures posted of cute dogs sleeping in odd places and positions, as well as an increase in productivity, social disorientation, and orders of the Katsak from QVC.

SOPA and PIPA are a threat to life as we know it and this is an outrage because my dog, Pepe, just turned over in a funny sleeping position and I need to post this picture to Facebook immediately. What will I do when there is a blackout on Facebook and my dog does something like this again? Because trust me, he will do it again. This brings up another point: Are SOPA and PIPA really the enemy though? Torrent sites are just the latest in Internet crime. I don’t trust your opinions at all, Wikipedia. Thanks for trying to inform me that Serena Williams is a female, but I’m not buying it.

We all know that freedom of information and speech via high-powered resources like the Internet machine are extremely dangerous and debilitating to a thriving society like the USA. This is how devil-worshiping concepts are spread like the curious case of Ron Paul, Pinterest, Keenan Cahill, the Sexophone, and Jenna Marbles’ hot antics in front of a webcam. These Internet bullies want to take our lunch money and force us to pay attention to important issues, and I think I can speak for the rest of America when I say, “I won’t stand for it.”

If the week of January 16 was “International SOPA Awareness Week”, I’m calling for a contrary “International Awareness of International SOPA Awareness Week Week”. Email me at eaalonzi@gmail.com on ideas of how we can make a statement during “International Awareness of International SOPA Awareness Week Week”.