The Permanent Record

Brief descriptions of the players.

Newt Gingritch– the Great Pumpkin on Acid.
The Cheshire Cat– Newt Gingritch on acid.

Rick Perry– Brokeback Molehill.

Mitt Romney– Lindsay Lohan on ecstasy trying to explain to a judge why house arrest is the best option.

Seriously, how funny would it have been if during the debates Mitt had turned to Rick and said “I wish I knew how to quit you.” Instead of offering to make a $10,000 wager.

Herman Cain– Sugar Cane.

Ron Paul– Separated at birth from Ian McKellen. Also from Ian’s wit, tact, and insight. He’s our man, though, because he promises to make weed legal. And most likely necessary.

Rick Santorum– Not just another conservative white guy.

Harry Reid– So white he’s invisible. What you see is painted on.

John Hunstman– Seems like a genuinely decent…and he’s gone.

Barak Obama– An enema wrapped in a misery. (I totally stole that from somewhere, but it’s perfect.)

Hillary Clinton– She’s dropped the hair scrunchies and bag suits and rouged her game face.

Orrin Hatch– The GOP Ted Kennedy. Nickname ‘Booby’.

Jay Carney– The Breakfast Club runs face-first into middle age. This time there’s no script, bad lighting, and ends with the criminal kicking his ass.

Nancy Pelosi– Chanel’s Revolution No. 9.

Joe Biden– Who can hate such an amiable idiot? At least anyone who hasn’t met him?