Jon Huntsman to Join the Jackass TV Series

Jon Huntsman Joins Jackass Series in Despair over his Boring StyleScreenshot from Jackass movie, Photoshoped by Yuriy Krynytskyy
“Excitement” is the buzzword as the weary, downbeat campaign staff finish off the office coffee supplies at the farewell meeting of the now defunct Jon Huntsman presidential effort. Everyone is convinced they had the most competent, experienced, accomplished, erudite, savvy, attack-proof, stylish, handsome candidate in decades of GOP history; but this candidate totally failed to excite anyone. The air is thick with a sense of injustice; you hear words of spiteful derision about the GOP voters. The real beef, however, is not that Huntsman lost to Romney or Gingrich. What digs folks beyond expression is that the proven, brainy and classy governor-ambassador was totally owned in the polls by, quote, “buffoons like Palin, Trump, and Cain.”

The man himself affords a few words of cathartic confession. “When I still was in high school, I decided I would run for a big office someday. And my whole life, I cultivated the image of a solid, reliable, competent, composed man, – a man who would appeal to people and win their minds. But it’s never about the minds; it’s always about the hearts. My whole life I was afraid of saying a stupid thing. But saying stupid things with fervor is the essence of politics.

“When the first GOP poll was released in 2010, Beavis was on top with 40%, followed by Butthead at 25%, Sarah Palin at 23%, Donald Trump at 12%. Then, Beavis and Butthead announced they wouldn’t run so that they don’t lose their jobs as Fox News commentators, and I thought – maybe I got a chance. When Herman Cain topped the polls, I thought: this is the most incompetent, inadequate, impossible candidate we ever had, and he’s on top. I, with all my experience, expertise, and style, swept the bottom.

“Then I understood. People don’t care about economy and foreign relations. They care about rubbing it in the face of the other party. They want the myths and symbols they identify with to prevail over competing myths and symbols. That’s all. People like the sense of victory. They want to be doped and excited. Confrontational, simplistic, buoyant – that’s how you drive with them. I do realize I’m a boring person; my nickname among my staff is Lunesta, and, I’m afraid, all my children were conceived with my wife asleep. But no more boring, academic Jon Huntsman. No more smart-assing. Next time around, I’ll be the most exciting, ballbusting, kooky, Cainish, Palinish candidate.”

Sources in Huntsman’s campaign indicate the governor is negotiating joining the Jackass reality TV series, as part of his radical image change. The group’s Johnny Knoxville confirmed Huntsman would be featured in their upcoming movie, Jackass: the Primaries. The Ambassador expressed strong interest in riding off a cliff in a shopping cart; spray-painting obscene words and images on buildings while rope-hanging from the roof in Batman’s costume; having a bucket of leeches thrown into his underwear; and crawling through a group of aroused bulls dressed as a cow, covered in vaginal mucus of a heifer in heat.