Dear female citizens of these United States,
Now that it is becoming possible that I might win the Republican primary, naturally I’m already thinking of how I’m going to govern as president. People are always asking me if I’m going to change once I’m in office.
My simple answer is NO.
I am still going to dismantle every other government agency from here to Alaska. My son Rand and I are actually thinking about having a national Take Down the Fed day.
(The way it works is, every second Tuesday of the month, the top-performing hedge fund manager of the previous month gets to walk up to the Federal Reserve building and throw a rock in the window. But don’t get too excited, we’re still hammering out the details. We’ve still gotta WIN THIS THING!)
The other major thing, and the reason I’m writing you, is this: I am still going to keep my private practice going as well as being Commander in Chief. So I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be available Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons for OB/GYN appointments. We’re not sure where in the White House the exams will take place… I’m thinking about taking the desk out of the Oval Office and renaming it the Ovary Office. Just for a little levity to share with you before I go down and start picking at your girly-bits.
But anyway, I also wanted to explain some ground rules for my private practice before you make an appointment.
- I will not offer contraceptives. I believe in laissez faire birth control.
- If it’s that time of the month, please keep it under control while lying down over the White House rug. Corporations are people, and menstruation is a choice. Your uterus is not a donation service!
- You’ll get a discount if you come to one of my weekly addresses lecturing the country on economics. I’ll most likely use your belly as a visual aid for hyperinflation.
- Please, no complaints about how this small government thing isn’t working. It’s difficult to hear you with my 76 year old head planted between your thighs.
- I only accept payments in pure gold.
And if I don’t win the nomination? I guess I’ll have to think about what to do with the rest of my campaign money. I can’t just give it away to any freeloader. Maybe I’ll buy a new car for my top volunteers. A shiny new 2013 Vulva. Haha sorry, OB/GYN joke.
Anyway, I’m going to make sure that that doesn’t happen. So I would like to ask for your business in November. But more importantly, I’d like to ask for your vote. I am your man to fill the opening at the White House.
After all, that’s why I became a gynecologist, for all the openings – LOL I’ve got a million of ‘em!