Rick Perry Says He Would Send Troops Back Into Iraq…and Mordor

Bill Dixon | Restoring Truthiness
During the New Hampshire primary debate Saturday night, presidential hopeful Rick Perry said that if elected president, he would send troops back into Iraq. As soon as he says the words, the voice of moderator Diane Sawyer can be heard saying, “Now?”

Yes, Diane. Now.

And that’s not all. During the commercial break, Rick Perry had a few more items to add to his foreign policy agenda wish list:

Rick Perry: Truth be told, if I was elected president I think I would take another shot at Vietnam.

Diane Sawyer: Are you suggeting you would send American troops back to Vietnam?

RP: Heck yeah, I’m suggestin’ it! And that’s not all. I think if President Obama was serious about keeping this country safe, he would send troops and medium range Pershing ballistic missiles back into Germany and Turkey and nuke these goddamn Soviets!

DS: But Governor Perry, the USSR was disolved in 1991. It is–

RP: And after we’re done with the Reds, we move on and sack New York and Philadelphia! Those Yankee minutemen are no match for our stealth drones. Hell, we could probably do the whole job with a single F-16!

DS: Are you suggesting we start another Civil War? And moreover, do you think that somehow the North is still using muskets?

RP: And once we finally consolidate into a singular confederate power, we will take it to them Klingon sonsabitches! We’ll show them what happens when you mess with Texas!

DS: Governor–

RP: And let’s be honest, Bilbo Baggins is a terrorist. We have terrorist cells operating in Mordor as we speak. The Council of Elrond says they are not trying to build a new ring but they have repeatedly violated sanctions by releasing pro-hobbit propaganda with their fancy little movies. We need a strong military presence in Middle Earth to stabilize that region.


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About Bill Dixon

Originally from Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Bill Dixon is a comedy writer and comedian residing in San Diego California. He is a humor columnist for PointsInCase.com and Editor and Founder of Dangatorium.com.