Election Poisoning

Elections: Bad for your healthA man stumbles into a hospital and claims he’s dying. A doctor looks him over, puts him in a bed and then calls over a nurse, shaking his head. The nurse asks what’s wrong.

“Symptoms include pride/shame in being an Iowan, anticipation for something insignificant, and a hunger for sound bites taken out of context. Yep, it’s election poisoning.”

The above is a true story, one that’s being heard and seen around the country lately on a daily basis. Election poisoning affects every American to some degree, with some being more resistant to its effects than others. It’s especially rampant among political pundits and commentators. According to a new survey, one out of even six Americans is currently suffering from election poisoning. But it gets worse…

The number of cases is only going to increase, especially with the stunning results from Iowa. Hospitals are already increasing their supplies of Prozac and Apathy (best drug ever for election years). They’ve got staff standing by around the clock, with increased shifts during key news hours.

According to sources, every hospital has the same manner of handling these poisoning occurrences. The person displaying the symptoms is wheeled in, given a dose of a numbing agent, and then thrown out on their ass to suck it up for another year. The only time they deviate from this policy is for three key cases; hardcore Republicans, hardcore Democrats, and people whose job depends on politics (such as one of the Restoring Truthiness Writing Staff).

For hardcore Republicans, it’s a two-step program. The afflicted is given a healthy dose of mood elevators, which tends to lessen their unhappiness. It’s followed by intensive therapy designed to make them settle on one of the current candidates for their party’s nomination. Unfortunately, numbers have shown that it’s not working. Many of them are just overdosing on the pills rather than settling.

For Democrats, it’s a much sweeter ride. They’re just burned out on all the news of their rivals’ claims and the bad publicity of their candidate. Treatment consists of just regular doses of good news, like lower unemployment, and avoidance of bad news, like detention of Americans. They tend to walk out with a smile on their face and a middle finger ready to be used.

For political personalities, it’s a much worse scenario. They get the pills and the therapy, but it’s not designed to make them settle. It’s instead designed to give them the courage to press on without too much drugs, booze, or hallucinogens. Since it’s part of their jobs to keep up with this crap…I mean, news (forgot to take my pill), they’ve got to expose themselves to all the stories. Yes, it causes a loss of sensation, persistent nosebleeds, vomiting, anal leakage, and upset stomach to read another story about how 8 points is all the difference in the world for a candidate, but it comes with the job. And a much shorter life expectancy.