Obama Blasts Matt Damon: Rick Perry a “More Convincing Cowboy” than “True Grit” Star

Obama Blasts Matt Damon - Rick Perry a More Convincing Cowboy than True Grit Star

Film Actors Guild Member / Jilted Obama Fan Matt Damon (Photo Credit: Team America: World Police)

In a recent interview in Elle Magazine, actor and lifelong liberal Matt Damon implied that President Barack Obama lacked the (to put it politely) cojonesto be a true leader. During a long flight from Washington to Hawaii for his winter vacation, President Obama watched many of Damon’s films to develop his rebuttal to the criticism.

Although rumors of airsickness bags with the Presidential Seal being dropped over Indiana during the trip proved later to be unfounded, the President did have some choice words for the Boston Beefcake upon landing.

Jason Bourne trilogy:
“More like the ‘Chasing Boredom’ trilogy.  After you’ve seen Seal Team Six take out the most dangerous terrorist leader in the world – which happened on my watch, by the way, so remember that come November – Matty-boy just doesn’t measure up.”

Ocean’s trilogy:
“Was he even in those movies? I couldn’t see him past Brad Pitt and my buddy George Clooney out-acting and out-prettying him in every scene.”

The recent Coen brothers’ remake of the Western classic True Grit:
True Grit? More like ‘True (expletive deleted)’! Rick Perry made for a more convincing cowboy in his ‘Strong’ ad!”

Happy Feet Two, in which Damon voices the character Bill the Krill:
“Just like Damon’s talent and Michelle Bachmann’s brain, you need a microscope to see a krill.”

Green Zone, a story about a sergeant in the Iraq War:
“You know what never sees the ‘Green Zone’? Damon’s movies! When’s the last time any of his movies made money? ‘The Informant!’? ‘The Adjustment Bureau’? ‘Contagion’? If his films keep losing money like this, all of Hollywood will need a bailout!”

The Talented Mr. Ripley:
“Talk about false advertising! Damon is about as talented as his fellow Mass-Hole Mitt Romney is conservative.”

Damon’s frequent collaborations with Ben Affleck also drew sharp barbs from the movie-critic-in-chief.  “When you get out-acted by Ben Affleck, you should know it’s time to quit. I’m about as convinced that those two idiots wrote ‘Good Will Hunting’ as I am that Ron Paul didn’t write the racist screeds in his newsletters in the 90s.”

“I’ve talked to a lot of people who paid to see Matt Damon movies at the grassroots level,” the president continued. “Many of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by Matt Damon.’  You know, a one-Oscar actor with some talent who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the movie business, much better for all of us.”

As for the titles currently sit in the presidential NetFlix queue, they include Season One of the zombie TV series The Walking Dead, the John Cusack disaster film 2012, and a series of films created by actor/writer/director/producer Tyler Perry.

“’Walking Dead’ features brainless creatures who destroy everything in their paths, sort of like Tea Party voters,” Obama remarked on his film choices. “I use ‘2012’ as a motivator to show me what would happen if the Republicans won in November.

“As for the Tyler Perry movies, they’re all in good fun.  At least they’re better than ‘Stuck on You’.”