Getting To Know Mitt Romney

But Were You Ever Poor Mitt RomneyGage Skidmore
The 2012 GOP Primary will be underway in now just a matter of days. Republican frontrunner, former Massachusetts Governor, Willard “Mitt” Romney, is a businessman who spent his life in the private sector.  And as a businessman who spent his life in the private sector, he believes government is an ill-run, wasteful, incompetent organization that he would do or give anything to lead.

Born in Detroit, Romney married Ann, his childhood sweetheart, and immediately got down to business in her private sector.  With five sons and ten grandchildren, there is more sex going on in the Romney family than Schwarzenneger has before breakfast.

Last year, when Romney turned 63, he reached an important crossroads: Should he get off the Viagra or make a run for Presidency?  After a lot of thought and almost becoming 100% Botox, he took off his tie, retouched his touch-of-grey sideburns and started channeling his raw sexual energy into a run to become (other than Mark Zuckerberg) the most powerful man on Earth.

Let’s go over some of Romney’s biggest challenges.  On April 12, 2006, the Governor signed into law the Massachusetts Health Care Insurance Reform Bill, which mandated every Bay Stater buy health insurance.  The law, widely called Romneycare, not only was the basis for Obamacare, it is also the kind of liberal, big-government interference in people’s lives that keeps them healthy, working, and voting Democrat.

Another challenge for Romney is his multiple positions.  No, not sexually.  He’s Mormon – and everyone knows they have only one position: Missionary.  Even fellow Republican Rudy Giuliani once called Romney “a world-class flip-flopper.” (“I believe the world is getting warmer, and that humans have contributed to that.” “My view is that we don’t know what’s causing climate change.”)  But in fairness, Romney is misunderstood.  (“It does take a village.”  “It takes a family.”)  He’s not a flip-flopper.  (“I’m not trying to return to Reagan-Bush.”  “Ronald Reagan is my hero.”)  He’s simply a man with evolving points of view — that often happen to change with public opinion.  (“I believe we should sustain and support Roe v. Wade.”  “Roe v. Wade has gone too far.”)

But isn’t that what democracy is all about?  (“I supported the assault weapon ban.”  “I don’t support any gun control legislation.”)  Shouldn’t our representatives give the people what they want? (“I’m a strong believer in stating your position and not wavering.”  “I changed my position.”)  Or is this the sign of a weak, pandering, desperate politician who will say or do anything to achieve power?  One thing he has not flip-flopped on is that he’s spent his life in the private sector — except of course those few years he was Governor of Massachusetts.

But perhaps the biggest obstacle facing Mitt Romney is not flip-flopping, healthcare or even Newt Gingrich, but the other 300 pound gorilla in the room: His Mormonism.  Some might think it’s just a polygamist cult or a really great Broadway musical but Mormonism is a real religion, especially when you compare it to Scientology.   It is a bit odd that they don’t drink coffee, do believe Jesus visited America, and all wear magic underwear — but they also gave us Harry Reid, the Osmonds and David Archuleta.

The church was founded in 1830 by Joseph Smith, Jr. after he met an angel in upstate New York.  This angel’s name was Donald Trump.  And after Trump fired him, Smith went on to spread his sacred word and the legs of women from New York to Salt Lake City.  Unfortunately for Smith, he was attacked and killed by an angry mob of zealots lead by a young Texan doctor named Ron Paul.

So, with Romney all but certain to grab the GOP nomination, the question remains: Will Americans elect a millionaire who brought healthcare to the people, has a strong record of fiscal responsibility and family values – or will they vote Romney?

Voting begins in Iowa January 3rd.